Cars too Safe…

Weekend content baby, now that’s class.

Today I’m going to go off topic and post personal ramblings, consider yourself warned. I’m thinking that driving feels a bit too safe. Cars have been getting steadily safer and I’m starting to wonder if that’s a good thing. After all driving is inherently dangerous, sure you have the illusion of safety cause you think that you’re in control of the situation but there’s always that jerk who could slam into you at any moment. And just how safe are you, you’ve got airbags and all that but the right wreck and you’re still a goner, ask Dale Earnhardt (just like Pink Floyd his last big hit was The Wall).

So driving is dangerous, maybe not because of your driving maybe because of that drunken frat boy next to you. Part of the reason driving is dangerous is because it feels so safe. People just don’t seem to appreciate the danger they are placing themselves and everyone else on the road every time they slide behind the wheel. I say screw making cars feel safer and giving everyone a sense of security, let’s make cars seem very dangerous… like a hand grenade with the pin missing.

How can we achieve this lofty goal? First every car will have eye level, razor sharp spikes. Naturally these can be powder coated to match the interior but the threat will be there. Imagine, if you will, how much the incessant problem of tailgating will be lessened, everyone will want at least a hundred yards betwixt themselves and the car in front of them lest they get three stooged permanently during a sudden stop. I would also suggest that seatbelts continue to be mandatory and that the fabric be replaced with a single strand of piano wire. TWANG, wow you’re a threesome.

These additions make your average driver more defensive but don’t stop people from being jerks on the road. You know who you are. If you’ve winged a mountain dew bottle at a bicyclist or pulled into the intersection when you knew you wouldn’t make it across just to beat the light you’re a driving asshole. You may be a great person the rest of the day but when you’re behind the wheel you need a good stomping. It’s because of these folks that I propose the Slectro Seat 2000. All seats would be covered with a layer of conductive material and all cars would have WiFi. If someone thought you were being a jerk they could select your car and signal it. A slight humming noise would be heard. Should two people think badly of your driving a painful electric pulse would be delivered through the Selectro Seat 2000. The smell of your fillings melting would deter further rubbernecking at traffic accidents. If enough people thought you were pretty much a waste of DNA and organs you’d be cooked from the inside out.

Of course none of this will ever happen, so I suggest you employ Todd Long’s method of dealing with superdickhead drivers. When you get tailgated slow down. You’ll note the guy behind starts flashing his lights and gesturing with one digit raised. Perfect, slow down more. The guy will get more irate and start doing some weird swerving things trying to pass, let him. When he lays on the horn slow down further. Now you can let the guy off easy or hard. If you want to go easy just continue on your way. If you want to go hard …watch that rear view mirror. See they guy behind you is going to be angry and frustrated, and he’s going to want past you. He’ll turn his blinker on very early (and angrily) so you’ll know where he’s headed. Use this tell to stay in front of the guy for as long as you feel like torturing the him, I promise he’ll think you’re psychic.

Leave a Reply