Your Thanksgiving Turkey

Purists. Sometimes they are insufferable. Sometimes they are right.

Turkey cooking purists are the worst. “You can’t FRY that turkey! It will give you food poisoning! You will burn the skin off your arms! How are you going to properly dispose of all that left over peanut oil?!!”

A turkey cooking purist innately knows that you must buy a frozen turkey from the grocers, (NEVER buy a fresh one!).

Then you must thaw it out for three days in the REFRIGERATOR, never on the counter.

Then you must bake it in a regulated oven at exactly 350 degrees for exactly 20 minutes per pound…

You must use a proper GAS Oven, and NEVER an electric oven.

Other turkey cooking purists insist on putting the turkey into an oven bag.

Still others tent their turkey in the oven with an aluminum foil tent.

But the most righteous purists insist only on a BUTTERBALL turkey, cooked under a lid inside a large blue ceramic-coated metal turkey pan.

Oh, the variations of perfection!

So my oldest son decides to deep FRY his turkey this year.

He’s going to do it OUTSIDE, on the patio! (Like you can actually BBQ on the patio, in NOVEMBER, in Southern California! Harumph!)

Paramedics are standing by.

The fire department has been alerted.

He has gotten his required city, county and state permits, all properly signed and stamped.

A HAZMAT team is ready to remove the used oil for proper disposal at a local refinery.

The State National Guard has been placed on full alert, just as an additional safety precaution.

My son claims that the turkey will be fully cooked in under 30 minutes, and more than that, we will all enjoy its flavor much more than the flavor of a properly blessed and baked turkey!

Pray for my son, the Infidel – who is breaking Tradition! You know, the tradition that the Pilgims started with their properly baked BUTTERBALL turkeys, baked in blue metal pans with lids?

Me? We are having Thanksgiving at my oldest son’s home this year, for the very first time. I’m bringing a traditional spiral-cut HONEY BAKED HAM – just in case.

Film at 11.

(Thanks to Bailey, with his most excellent post, for getting me on this food kick!)