I’m a big fan of Halloween. I like the kids running free, the crisp air, hell, I even like all the horror programming on the television. On the other hand I hate the candy. It’s not that I’m anti-candy or too cheap to buy the stuff. No Sir. Rather I’m just not a big fan of candy, maybe skittle brau would be okay but other than you can keep your overly sweet chocolates, your pressed sugar dipping sticks, and your bubbling popping ascorbic acid sugar bombs. Hence I hate having candy left over, I feel bad just pitching the stuff but I’m not going to eat it. The unused candy generally sits and sits until one of the dogs gets into the nasty stuff or a free floating spore finds a way into the snickers wrapper and the entire candy bowl blooms a nauseating shade of gray. To avoid this unpleasantness I developed a candy predictor formula based on years of careful data collection.
The candy predictor formula works as follows: count the number of houses in your neighborhood, measure the average distance between houses, and go from there. I’d post the formula I use but, as you’ll learn in a few moments, it is horribly flawed. From a few years of study I had worked up a candy per house index of four. That means for every house in the neighborhood I figured I needed four pieces of candy (actually I use the .5 mile rule, all houses farther than half a mile away are ignored). Anyway this method worked flawlessly for the last 10 or so years, I never ran out of candy and I never had more than half a bag of candy left. So I was pretty confident it would work yet again this year.
It was with smug self-satisfaction that I sat on the porch bench waiting for the first trick or treaters to arrive. I could see the children milling in their yards at dusk getting pictures snapped and imploring their parents to let them go ahead and begin collecting. Suddenly it grew a fraction dimmer, not quite night but closer to night than dusk, and the onslaught began. The kids came in packs, like wolves, but instead of a weakened elk they wanted candy. I could see immediately that my formula was in bad shape. I throttled back from two pieces of candy per child to one. The first wave of candy grubbers subsided and figured that I could handle one more assault before things would get dire. Fortunately the children let up, they came more slowly but instead of waves there was a steady trickle of treat seekers. I knew that by 8 the visits would stop completely and I figured it was going to be close. At 7:45 I was tapped, not a scrap of candy left.
I felt a wave of relief. The kids who got the last few pieces of candy looked spent and shambled like zombies. Clearly they were just trying to muscle through the whole neighborhood in some kind twisted Halloween version of the triathlon. Surely, I thought, they would be the last. Then I saw a large group of kids crest the hill. This was a problem. There were approximately fifteen kids coming my way and I had nada for candy. My first thought was to bag some from my neighbors but as I looked down the street I noticed that almost everyone had turned out their lights and headed in. I’m guessing they were out of candy as well. At this point my porch light was the only one on in the cul-de-sac so the candy seeking freaks were homing in on my abode like a smart bomb.
Some people, like my neighbors, might have run at this point and shut off the lights. Truth be told I would’ve done that myself but I knew the little fiends had seen me. Instead I headed to the pantry. I was hoping I would find some ding-dongs or oatmeal pies. Sadly the pantry was bare of sugary treats. I was contemplating grabbing the red pepper powder and giving all the kids an old fashioned trick when I spied salvation. I grabbed armloads of the makeshift goodies and headed out for my last stand.
I’ve got to say the kids seemed a little disappointed by the boxes of Hamburger Helper and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese but I didn’t feel too bad, I let them choose between the two and all that. Of course when the Wife notices the absence of the pasta products there will be some explaining to do, particularly since I mocked her for buying such massive quantities of the stuff.
And that’s my Halloween tale of horror. Oh if you’re wondering why my formula failed so miserably, so am I. I suspect it was the move, we moved into a new neighborhood rife with new construction. Newly constructed houses are usually bought by people with familial additions. I’d guess the kid/geezer ratio is much higher here.
Well this is it until the election (and probably until late November) for me. So I’m going all out and covering two topics. Two topics means TWICE THE DISINTEREST BABY! And that’s value, twice the disinterest at low low Mymac prices! So onto….
Election Predictions!
Most folks are calling for a razor close election, pundits are worrying about another appeal to the Supreme Court and election irregularities. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen, I’d like to see a clear-cut winner one way or another.
My predicted winner: GWB. I’m not endorsing Bush or saying that I want Bush to win (nor am I saying the opposite) but that’s the way I’m guessing it’s going to go down. The Pres is trending up in Ohio and will, I’m guessing, carry Florida (though Kerry supposedly holds a slim lead in Florida). If Ohio goes to Kerry then be prepared to have two Massachusetts champions this year.
Now I have friends (a surprise I know) that have specifically asked me not to endorse their candidate. I suppose the idea being that my endorsement would be a death knell to either candidate. But that doesn’t mean I can’t opine a little bit about the election. For the election to be this close is shocking. Face it, the sitting President has a huge advantage over the challenger. Every time you see the incumbent you see the President and that counts for a lot. And don’t forget that GWB is nominally a wartime President (people loathe change during a military conflict) and that the Pres passed out 300-dollar checks a few years ago and you’ve got to wonder where the expected 7 to 10 point lead is.
There are two explanations for the floundering of GWB: You could think that Kerry is some sort of super politician with loads of charisma and a political machine so finely tuned it puts the best F1 racer to shame OR you could reason that GWB is fairly politically inept, or perhaps inept in general.
Personally, for entertainment only, I would love to see Kerry win the electoral vote and lose the popular vote. This would make everyone spin the exact opposite way they spun after the last election. And they would do it shamelessly, sad but entertaining. Of course entertainment isn’t a compelling reason to choose a leader, so I encourage you to vote, even if you live in a state where it doesn’t matter.
Wow, I have much more to say about all this but rather than turn Mymac into a densely packed small black dot (cause if keep yammering the suckiness will get so dense not even the quality posts by other Mymacers will escape) it’s time to turn it over to the link part of the blog.
First the a deep bow of respect to Kerry endorser and the Master Po of all things alliterative:
NATE FREAKING EATON.
Read Nate’s stuff. Top quality.
For this week’s moment of alliteration: Well, I usually use a name but I haven’t been posting so no one has been sending me links. I’ve got a lot of links left from the Duke but I think I’ll just make up a name…I give you:
Fictional Franks Frenzy of Fatuous Failings
Thinking Machine Chess
I found this to be simply incredible.
The Beast Within
A really good flick, plenty of computer generated goodness and a decent story as well,
Self Defence with a cane
Why I find this interesting I don’t know. Oh wait, I’m a stooge.
Simpsons Millionaire
All too easy
Scariest Halloween Costumes
Best of ’04
cks/BL-Hello Kitty tridiot rating: a mere 97%
back to THE PROJECT
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