Jane Bland, Episode 2: The Thanksgiving Sale, Nude Sprinkler Dancing, and Hating Turkey

I live in Utah, or as I so fondly think of it, as Stepford. There are God cages on every corner and Sundays are pleasant and peaceful because most of the neighbors are in church for three hours, giving testimony and crying and studying scriptures. Which gives me plenty of time to dance naked in the backyard sprinklers if I’m so inclined. I should explain, it’s Southern Utah, the desert. And my backyard has a six foot privacy fence. Sometimes on Sundays in the winter it gets warm enough to sprinkler dance. If I’m so inclined. During the summer, Sunday sprinkler dancing is a given. We all honor God in our own ways.

I’m Bland, Jane Bland, and I mow the lawn when it needs it.

Well I had four days off work last weekend and I did something I’ve never done before in my life. I got up early on Friday morning and shopped with most of the rest of America. I was anxiously awaiting the Thanksgiving newspaper which is the biggest newspaper of the year…oh, not to find out who our next president would be…but for the sale flyers. I woke early and ran down the driveway barefooted in my white nightie (the neighbors…*sigh*…well, they have to be used to it by now, I’m careful to bend down ladylike with my gorgeous ass pointing toward the backyard instead of bending over backward toward the street) for this once-a-year massive newspaper.

Once back inside I savored the fact that I wasn’t at work on a Thursday morning. I put the newspaper carefully aside for later perusal. I fixed my morning pot of yerba matŽ and sat silently on the couch waiting until 8:45am arrived. Yes! hahahahahaha…it’s 8:45am and I’m not rushing madly about fixing my lunch, giving the dogs their “good bye be good girls and watch the house” treat, packing up the iBook, and checking my wallet for cash. No, I was in my glory, sitting on the couch in my nightie instead of going to work. On a Thursday. God was in my box.

This year was a good Thanksgiving. I had many “pity invites” to go eat massive quantities of food because this was the first year in twenty-two years that I didn’t have kids at home. Lots of people get lonely on the holidays. I am not one of them. I mean, I have done the massive Thanksgiving dinners. I happen to hold the current “best gravy maker west of the Mississippi” title. I can lay out a spread. No problem. But I have a secret.

I hate turkey. You’d think I’d like it. Because it’s bland.

I’m Jane Bland…but I hate turkey.

Yeah, that’s right. I hate turkey. I think turkey is one of the suckiest things to eat on this planet. Give me a 3″ thick New York steak any day. Grilled. Outside. In my backyard. Oh even better yet, from a beef I have raised myself, loving it each day and when it’s time, sending it to slaughter. Which I have done before. Feeding it wonderful non-chemically enhanced food, petting it’s head, telling it that it’s going to be food for my winter. Beef are much more ameniable to this than turkeys. Beef know their karma. Turkeys, on the other hand, have an attitude about it.

Oh my, I’ve gone off topic. Back to the sale flyers, but first…

I went to my son’s in-laws for Thanksgiving dinner. Mostly so I could play with my new grandson, who’s starting to get cute. He’s three months old and coos and blows bubbles and smiles so big I’m afraid he’s going to break his face. He loves his Nana (that’s me). We had turkey. I took Anna Mary salad. Here’s the recipe.

cut up some apples and put them in a pretty bowl
cut up a couple stalks of celery, put them in the bowl too
grapes are a nice addition, but optional. be sure to cut them up
add walnut gems, a whole bag
dump in a carton of cool whip (not the reduced fat kind, what the heck, it’s Thanksgiving.)
mix it all up

Anna Mary married my mother’s brother, Eugene. She always whipped the cream fresh. Her salad was better than mine. Eugene’s brother Jimmy Ray was a butcher. He always butchered our beef when I was growing up. That’s how I know from fresh butchered beef.

I’m a fairly bland cook.

OK, the sale flyers. I got up early friday morning and hauled my pretty ass down to K-Mart to get the artificial tree. I got the white one. Because I got there before 11am I got it for $39.95. This week it was in the sale flyers on sale for $59.95 so I’m pretty pleased with myself. Also my mission on this day was to find decorations to hang outside that were not icicle lights. Here in Stepford everyone has icicle lights and I was determined to have something different. I had to dig around on the dusty bottom shelf but finally found the perfect tacky lights; green triple strand swags with red bows. I’m the only one in the neighborhood without icicle lights. Also the only one with white tree.

White is so terribly bland. I’m Jane Bland, and this is the first time in my life I’ve ever decorated the outside of my house.

Well, that’s pretty much my life for this week. I’m still fighting FedEx. I got a letter in the mail from them today. The other people in the office were quite concerned when they saw steam coming out my ears. They told me I looked like Yosemite Sam. Dag nab it.

I’m Jane Bland, and I get up and go to work everyday. Until next time.

Beth Lock

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