Two months ago, I told you about Coldar’s cordanna juice (cyanide gas) overdose and subsequent illness which nearly killed her. She blamed her illness more on the Macintosh SE I had sent her and less on her own inattention to the duties she was supposed to be carrying out while observing us here on earth. I quickly pointed out to her that it wasn’t the Macintosh SE that was the cause of her near death, but her ignorance and stupidity that resulted in her body being drenched in the deadly cordanna juice. After all, she’s a highly trained space explorer and should be aware of what’s going on around her at all times. I told her not to be blaming me or the Macintosh for her ineptitude.
As you can tell, I don’t let that little space bug push me around, even though she claims to have the ability to destroy Planet Earth.
Coldar has since calmed down from all that ruckus and only interacts with the Mac after her daily observations and reports are completed.
A few weeks ago Coldar wrote:
“Coldar has decided to tinker with this thing you call a computer/ Coldar believes we can make it process information faster than it does/ You tell Coldar if there is anything I should be aware of before I disassemble it//”
“Oh great,” I thought. “A bored backyard mechanic sitting up there in the asteroid belt.”
I e-mailed her back:
“Listen Coldar, I don’t think dissecting the Macintosh SE is a wise decision. Besides, the Macintosh seems to be working just fine. I mean, if you mess something up, you’ll be unable to contact me anymore. We have an old saying down here on earth, Coldar. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! Advice that you should follow.”
“Whoa!” I guess that riled her feathers, cause she answered with:
“Do not insult Coldar’s intelligence/ Coldar will disassemble this child’s toy/ As far as Coldar is concerned, this computer is broken!/ It is too slow/ Now, tell Coldar what modifications you made before launching it.//”
Demanding little witch, ain’t she?
I capitulated to her wishes and wrote back:
“Fine! Have it your way, you obnoxious little alien. But don’t blame me or the rest of Planet Earth if you nuke yourself to kingdom come.”
I then told her that the only thing I modified on the Mac was its power supply. I told her how I installed and connected a small self-contained plutonium nuclear reactor that powered the 12 volt Die-Hard battery attached to the bottom of the machine. I also warned her not to drink the battery acid, no matter how inviting it looked. To do so would cause a chain reaction that would overheat the battery cells causing it to explode. The most important thing I told her was to leave the reactor fuel rods alone. Nothing she could do to the reactor would make the Macintosh run any faster anyway. All she could get from messing around with the reactor is a not-so-healthy dose of radiation causing great sickness or even death. “Other than that, Coldar, you just go ahead and knock yourself out messing with the innards of that computer.” And seeing how I don’t ever expect to hear from you again, you have yourself a nice life.”
That was two weeks ago and I’m still waiting to hear from her.
I’ll keep you posted.
Pete Miner (firstname.lastname@example.org)