This is where I bring you up-to-date concerning my ongoing correspondence with my now good friend and co-conspirator, Coldar. If you don’t know who Coldar is you need to read Miner Thoughts in the April edition of My Mac, cause I ain’t gonna rehash that whole story here.
Following several days of no e-mail from Coldar, I was getting a little worried. She had never missed a day of writing since she first contacted me.
Truth be known, all her writing was getting to be a little too much. After all, I don’t need or even care to know every little thing she does throughout her waking hours but she insists on telling me everything, right down to how her body processes and, shall we say, evacuates its own waste. I don’t want to know that kind of stuff, but she tells me anyway! Heck, her dietary intake is enough to make me sick! Her favorite meal consist of Cadmium pellets rolled in a boron solution which she washes down with a tube of anhydrous ammonia. Good Grief!
But now, after not hearing from her, I realize how much I looked forward to receiving her e-mail and was becoming a little antsy wondering if something was wrong.
I received a “Systems O.K.” transmission from the Macintosh SE, so I knew her means of communicating with me was still working. I wondered if maybe I said something that offended her or got her PO’d at me. I didn’t know if I should keep writing to her or not. I mean, what if she got recalled to PIRMIAD (Coldar’s home planet) earlier than expected. I could be sending e-mail to her replacement, who may not be as sociable as Coldar and we all know what that could mean! Planetuddle destruction, that’s what!
So I refrained from sending anymore inquires and hoped I would hear from her soon. Finally, after eight days of silence from the asteroid belt, I did hear from the little bug-eyed creature. It read:
SUBJECT: Ailing Coldar
I apologize on the nth level for lack of communicating during the past 8 earth rotations/ Coldar has committed an enormous stupid and almost removed my physical existence from the dimension of life/ In my extreme exhilaration of having contact with you, and the enjoyment your archaic but amusing Macintosh machine has brought me, I have been derelict in performing my most mundane duties of a planetary observer/ Coldar has not been keeping up with the reports and bulletins that come via light burst from my home on PIRMIAD/ Coldar was having too much excitement playing the games you sent along with the Macintosh SE and failed to read a bulletin informing me of a leaking, rotting chunk of ice and rock scurrying through your solar system leaving behind it a fine mist of what you call cyanide gas but known to us on PIRMIAD as cordanna juice/This wayward chunk of ice and rock is known to your kind as Hale-Bopp comet// These comets as you call them are not normally a threat to anyone unless anyone happens to be in its direct path/ However, one does have to take certain precautions if caught in the contrail of its melting ice and gases/What you call the comet’s tail/ Normally, had I read the bulletin which stated that my traveling vehicle would pass through the contrail of this comet, I would have enveloped my physical body in a cocoon of liquid ozone and sodium sulfate mixture, thus preventing an overdose of cordanna juice from entering this body/Not to say that us PIRMIADs don’t enjoy a nip or two of cordanna juice every now and again like most civilized cultures, it’s just that, like most good things, when taken in excess it can be harmful to ones physical being/Coldar unknowingly allowed the equivalent of 82 nips to seep into my outer shell and was overcome with the toxic byproduct (oxygen) of the juice/This occurred during my 7,662,547th game of Space Invaders that I was playing on the Macintosh SE//By the time I realized what was happening, my body was rapidly disintegrating cell by cell/Coldar barely had time to enter the biological repair station of my ship and undergo a complete rejuvenation of my outer and middle shells/This would be similar to your kind’s organ transplant//Had I succumbed to the dimension of non-existence or what your kind refers to as death, I would have been unable to continue with my mission until my replacement arrived and manually rescued Coldar from this non-existent state/However, Coldar is well now and anxious to continue with my observations of your kind and especially my conversations with you//Coldar also intends to read her messages from PIRMIAD on a more regular basis/As your Forrest Gump once said, “Stupid is as stupid does” and Coldar did a real STUPID/
My reply to the bug-eyed critter was as follows:
Whoa! Sorry to hear about your ailment, Coldar. Sounds like a real bummer! Glad to hear you recovered from your cordanna juice overdose. I know those computer games can get a little addictive at times but jeeez, you’d better pay a little more attention to what’s going on out there in the Belt. By the way Coldar, you didn’t happen to see 39 lost souls floating around that comet by any chance, did you?
Pete from Earth
Coldar’s next few letters were pretty boring. She didn’t see the Heavens Gate clan anywhere around Hale-Bopp but being in the biological repair station for eight days, she says she could have missed them.
Most of her letters were questions about another game she found on the SE. An old tic-tac-toe game that she is having trouble with. I guess she can’t grasp the concept of it. She says she hasn’t beaten the game in more than 3 million attempts but is still trying.
I keep reminding her to check her messages from PIRMIAD, least she miss some important information. Ya know, for an alien who is supposed to be far more advanced than us, she sure can be stupid at times!
Well, that’s all I have to report about my bug-eyed buddy out there in the asteroid belt. I’ll let you know if I get anything from her that’s worth reporting in the upcoming issues of My Mac.
If Coldar ever gets discovered and starts showing up in the main stream media, remember you read about it first, from me Pete, right here in the pages of My Mac!
Pete Miner (firstname.lastname@example.org)