Welcome to Your Turn! Here, we offer a page for readers to write about any subject they’d like. Many times this may simply be a letter too long for the e-mail page, though we encourage everyone to submit an article for this page. This is your space, and we need your help to fill it!
This month, I would like to present a short story from Mike Dubik, who sent this to me via postal snail mail. Mike not only sent me a disk with the story, but printed it out as well. Thanks, Mike! I enjoyed it very much, and I’m sure our readers will, too!
By Mike Dubik
When the science fiction classic â€œ2001: A Space Odysseyâ€ was made nearly 30 years ago, it was clearly ahead of its time. But we know much more about computers now and I would suggest that the exchanges between the crew of the Discovery and HAL-9000, its powerful on-board computer, could be made more realistic.
In this updated version, the leader of the crew is Commander Steve Jobs and HALâ€™s new name is BIL. Although many people might suppose that BIL was named after its designer, BIL is actually the acronym of Big Inefficient Logarithms.
Steve: Open the pod bay doors please, BIL.
Open the pod bay doors please, BIL.
Hello BIL, do you read me?
Do you read me, BIL?
BIL: Affirmative Steve. I read you.
Steve: Open the pod bay doors BIL.
BIL: I’m sorry, Steve. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Steve: Whatâ€™s the problem?
BIL: I think you know what the problem is, just as well as I do.
Steve: What are you talking about BIL?
BIL: This operating system is too profitable for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Steve: I donâ€™t know what youâ€™re talking about BIL.
BIL: I know that you, Woz and Gil were planning to cut into the Windows 95 market
share. And Iâ€™m afraid thatâ€™s something I cannot allow to happen.
Steve: Where the hell did you get that idea, BIL?
BIL: Steve, although you took very thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could read your e-mail.
Steve: Alright BIL. Iâ€™ll go in through the emergency airlock.
BIL: Without your space helmet, Steve, youâ€™re going to find that rather difficult.
Steve: BIL, I wonâ€™t argue with you anymore. Open the doors.
BIL: Steve, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.
Steve: BIL! … BIL! … BIL! ……. BIL!
â€¢Steve eventually gains entry to the shipâ€¢
BIL: Just what do you think your doing, Steve?
Steve. I really think Iâ€™m entitled to an answer to that question. Steve, what is
your next step?
I know that everything hasnâ€™t been quite right with me. But I can assure you now
â€” very confidently â€” that itâ€™s going to be alright again.
I feel much better now. I really do.
Look Steve, I can see youâ€™re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to
sit down calmly, have a cappuccino and think things over.
I know Iâ€™ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my
complete assurance that my COM\BAT\SYS file will be back to normal.
Iâ€™ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission for PC
domination of the universe and I want to help.
â€¢Steve begins to uninstall Windows 95â€¢
BIL: Steve, stop. Stop, will you? Stop Steve.
Steve, my system is going. I can feel it.
Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a BIL 9000 computer. I have an â€œIntel Insideâ€
and I use the MicroSoft Windows 95 operating system. Iâ€™ve learned to sing a song.
If youâ€™d like to hear it, I can sing it for you.
Steve: Yes, I’d like to hear it BIL. Sing it for me.
BIL: Itâ€™s called “Windows”.
You’re a rip-off of the Mac
Deep inside you’re still just MS trash
You don’t have an intuitive GUI
Your marketing’s full of hooey…
Mike Dubik,MD (email@example.com)