Ask Uncle Doofus Anything!

Well folks, it’s time to wake up Uncle Doofus from his long summer nap. He’ll be answering all of your questions, while I skip,,,er,, take a breather. Remember what your ol’ Uncle Doofus always says, ‘There are no dumb questions, only dumb answers’.

Q: Uncle Doofus, I’ve ‘got it’ real bad for Kelly Monaco. How do I get to be her dance partner on the next season of ‘Dancing with the Stars’?

A: Hmm, well I think you’ve ‘got it’, along with about a trillion other males who have the normal level of male hormone. All I can suggest is that you learn to dance better than anyone else on the planet, then take number. Right now, there are probably only about 20 million guys in front of you. I think the line ends in Jersey City, New Jersey.

Q: I am pissed Uncle Doofus! I’ve had my 1 GhZ Ti book for about two years, and I have had to have the hard drive replaced three times! The Apple techs tell me to quit leaving it on 24/7, not to use sleep as a substitute for a shutdown, and that the 2.5’ laptop drives weren’t made for 24/7 operation. I can’t live like that! I can’t wait 45 seconds for a computer to boot up, I’ve got work to do! I’m sick of Apple telling me what to do! What do you think?

A: I think you should not be allowed to vote.

Q: Uncle Doofus, my kids want iPods for Christmas. They seem awfully expensive to me. I’m perfectly willing to settle for an alternative, such as the Dell digital jukebox. Do you think the kids will know the difference come christmas morning?

A: Uh, not only will they know the difference, but I think if you even try to pass off one of the imitators and tell them that ‘it’s just as good’, you’ll wind up on the local TV news as one of those ‘tragic stories’ TV stations seem to love so much. You know, the ones where they show a nice normal house, then interview shocked neighbors who say ‘They all seemed so normal,,,’ Save yourself, get the iPods now, before they run out of them.

Q: Uncle Doofus, I’m a married woman in my thirties. I just found out that my rotten, no-good husband has been taking a lot of trips to the dentist, because the dental hygienist wears sexy lingerie while she cleans his teeth! Ooooh, I am mad!
What should I do?

A: How are you at cleaning teeth, while wearing lingerie?

Q: Uncle Doofus, I am stumped on something. I have learned that you can use Apple’s disk utility to create encrypted, self-mounting disk images. Why would anyone need this feature?

A: Apple included this feature so that people may keep sensitive things locked away from nosy creeps. For example a business executive could keep his company’s credit and balance sheets on an encrypted disk image. Or, your twelve year old son could hide all his porn on one, then make the disk image invisible using the mv command in the terminal, and giving the image a name beginning with a period dot. Thus, mommy would never find it. Just ask any twelve year old male how to hide porn from mommy. You’ll be amazed at what young males have figured out.

Q: Uncle Doofus, I’m a college student, and at the moment I’m the only Mac user in my dormitory suite. Everyone else has PC’s. They pick on me all the time, usually saying ‘Macs suck, get a real computer’. When I ask them why Macs suck, they can’t support what they say at all, they just say ‘because they just do!’ The worst part was a few weeks ago, when the last big worm went around. Most of these guys weren’t prepared at all, and a few lost all their stuff. I was the only one not affected. Still, they didn’t get it. Even the ones who lost all their work said ‘I don’t care, Macs still suck!’ Any help?

A: Ahh, the old argument continues, as it has for more then twenty years now. Let me take a wild guess here: None of them have ever used a Mac in their lives, and they don’t even know it’s a Unix based operating system, right? They only know how to use Windows, and that’s all there is to it, right?

Like Mister ‘I can’t wait 45 seconds for a computer to boot’, people who stalk people in shopping mall parking lots (You know, the ones who drive slowly behind you, in hopes of getting the parking space you’re about to vacate), and the low-foreheads who bike ride at night without a headlight, your college roomies should not be allowed to vote. Here’s my advice; Get an inexpensive Dell laptop, equipped with Win XP pro. Learn to use windows with the best of them. (It’s a little painful, but you can do it) Why? Because it’ll drive them up the freakin’ wall, that’s why! Nothing, and I mean nothing, bothers these nimrods more than a Mac user who can say, with a straight face, ‘Oh, I can easily use both operating systems, but I prefer the elegance, ease of use, Unix power, and better security offered by the Macintosh platform’. They’ll shake their heads and shut up. I’m serious here. Your ‘˜ol Uncle Doofus has been caught in this scenario, and this solution is the best. The Mac bashers have no idea what to do here. One of the main points of their entire argument is the false assumption that Mac users can’t use anything else, and that this somehow makes them superior. Wrongo. Oh yes, if a Linux user ever shows up in your dorm suite, you may want to consider changing dorms. Things could get quite ugly.

Q: Uncle Doofus, I am soooo sick of door-to-door solicitors coming to my door early on Saturday mornings. Most of them are religious nut jobs of one kind or another. I have tried everything, including posting a ‘no solicitors’ sign, and just not answering, but this has not worked. What do you suggest?

A: There are a couple of things you could try, but no guarantees. First, try answering the door naked, then act all disappointed and say ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were the UPS guy.’ (only if you’re female) Or, answer the door while wearing full Goth makeup. If this fails, and they still pound on the door, just have a trap door installed.

Q: Uncle Doofus, I’m a mother of two children. Halloween is just around the corner, and I have a problem. My eight year old son wants to go to his school party as a serial killer, with a blood-stained jump suit, and carrying some plastic body parts as his costume. My thirteen year old daughter wants to wear a very revealing sexy witches costume. I’m about ready to pull my hair out! Whatever happened to boys going as pirates, and girls going as ballerinas?

A: Well mom, here’s the deal: kids don’t go to halloween parties wearing the costumes their parents probably wore. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. So, here is what I suggest: YOU become one of the chaperones at that party. And YOU wear a sexy witch costume! You can get them on-line, just google it. This won’t help matters with your son, but it should cure your daughter (who you’re surely more concerned about anyway) of wanting to be a sexy witch. You’re actually getting off easy here. I now one guy whose kids (both girls at that) want to go as flesh eating zombies.

Well folks, that’s about all the time Uncle Doofus has this time around. Time to down a brewski or two, and go back to napping. .