I saw, and enjoyed, Revenge of the Sith. Sure I worry that Christian Haydenson might either be logged or spiked at any moment owing to a perfo
rmance that makes redwoods jealous of his stoicism and there are a few glaring plotholes (take Luke to Tattoine and give him to his Family, Darth will never look THERE) but in the end I really enjoyed the movie.
That said I can think of a million people who can kick any Jedi’s a$$. That would be one long list so let us cut it down to ten:
10) Iron Man
Yeah he could probably be tempted to the dark side with a bottle of Jack Daniels but until that time Iron Man is punking Jedis left and right. He’s faster, smarter and has a suit that will let him throw a freaking car on a Jedi. No contest. And he is one of the LAMEST marvel characters ever. Well he’s better than Pip the Troll
9) Penicillin
See Jedis rely on midichlorians. A good dose of everyone’s favorite antibiotic after a port call in Thailand ought to kill off the bastards. No midichlorians, no force powers, no force powers and Jedis are just another source of lunch money for the local bully.
8) The Chosen One
You’ve got your force powers, you can fling stuff and jump high. Good for you Jedi sissy, the chosen one can devastate entire buildings with his powerful kung fu moves. A jedi wouldn’t have a chance against the hand of Buddha, plus the chosen one can walk on eagles. In the sky..while they are flying. Freaking eagles!
7) Hello Kitty
Face it, there is not now and never has been any individual capable of defeating Hello Kitty
6) Saruman the White
The obvious question is how can Christopher Lee whip Christopher Lee. No problem, did you see the way CL spun Gandalf like a top? Put your puny force powers up against that stuff amigos!
5)Master Li Mu Bai
Jedis have light sabers, Master Li has Green Destiny. The difference is Master Li doesn’t need it. He can whomp a Jedi with a piece of grass. Plus he has a quiet confidence and a vulnerability that Jedis are supposed to possess. oh yeah, if you’re worried about force lightning he can fly.
4) James T Kirk
The force is no match for the old over the head double axe handle. If that fails Captain Kirk can blow up your droids using simplistic logic. By saying this I’m not trying to incite a rumble between Star Trek weenies and Star Wars nerds. Nossir. But if you’re going to rumble let me know, that is one thing I’d really like to see.
3) A sniper
A Jedi blade is, what, three feet? A sniper can kill from hundreds of yards. I imagine it would go something as follows:
“Master I sense a dis’¦.”
Suddenly the Master is splattered with blood
“Sith are responsi’¦.”
pop
pop
cause bullets travel faster than sound and all.
2) SpongeBob Square Pants
Jedi are really great at lopping off appendages. Heck a Jedi’s day isn’t complete without inflicting a maiming. But the Sponge can lose any number of arms, be sliced into a million sections and still recover. Do I even need to go into the physics of trying to harm Sponge Bob using “force lightning?” At the end of the day you have a sponge with a deadly accurate spatula and many very tired Jedi.
1b) Leroy Green from the Last Dragon
If you’ve seen the movie you know, you know. If you missed that classic suffice it to say he can catch bullets. In his teeth. Special thanks to Tim Robertson for that one.
1) Steve Jobs
There has never been a Jedi Mind f*** as great as Apple’s switch to Intel. “These are not the droids you’re looking for” just doesn’t stack up to “everything I told you on the past is bull****” How great was Steve’s Jedi Mind trick? I can’t tell if he was lying at all those Mac Worlds or if he is lying now. Steve could tell the Jedis to eat their sabers and make it sound like a reasonable option.
Ah, blogging, how it just doesn’t matter. I write it, no one reads it and I love it.
But of course you want links (or as my child would say):
ooooooooh’¦OF COWRSE
Today’s special: All Star Wars, All the time!
Darth Intel
Excellent work by ionicstudios.net
Revenge of the Brick
Simply outstanding
Darth Vader reads your mind
Pretty good, I icked naked mole rat and Darth knew. Swine.
A link for Guy Serle (Guy likes song parodies)
Star Wars Cantina Parody
Star Wars auditions
Very funny, does it include a Walken sighting? May be’¦
George Lucas in love
Very nice, very professional. You could do the whole thing in iMovie if only you had a copy (today’s sponsor)
iMovie on the Cheap, get your copy today! Features excellent writing, ground breakingly great editing and cover art by Todd Long. At a mere five bucks you can’t go wrong.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.