When The Newspaper Is Late

My Morning Routine
Recently our local newspaper opened a state-of-the-art newspaper printing plant. Since opening the new facility the newspaper, which before the new facility opened was rarely in my driveway later than 7am, has been late at minimum twice a week. When calling the subscription hotline number a recorded voice says “Due to production problems, today’s Spectrum will be late. Please call back if you haven’t received your paper by 10am.” This is a huge disruption to my morning routine.

I like an ordered life. I wake at 7am, walk to the kitchen where the coffee is timed precisely to finish dripping thru the filter at 6:55am, pour coffee, let the dog out, feed the dog, open the iBook, launch em@iler, walk outside to get the daily news, come back in and delete all the spam which has by then reached the inbox, sit on the couch, roll a cigarette, take a sip of coffee then open the paper for the morning reading. I do not like to talk or be talked to, other than the polite “Good Morning” and the same back from my husband until I have finished reading the news. When the newspaper is late it throws the entire thing out of whack.

When my morning routine is out of order, and I sit at the computer before I read the paper, I’m usually late for work. However, the morning routine can be suspended voluntarily for a time, for instance when the Tour de France is on. But that is a choice for which I make accomodation, not one that is forced upon me involuntarily by the ignorant fascist nazi socialist communist pigs who can’t figure out how to make a state-of-the-art printing plant get the morning news to me on time.

The Shower and Aftershower Routine
There is only one way to shower, and it is like this. First wash the face, then the hair. Then soap up the scrubby and work from the neck down, ending with the feet. Legs and underarms are shaved on Mondays. (Side benefit of menopause, body hair grows slower.) Showering is done on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. When I need a haircut I always schedule it on a Tuesday or a Thursday so that I don’t have to disrupt the M-W-F shower routine.

After the shower I moisturize my face, then rub body lotion on the rest of my body. Then I put forming gel on my hair. Then I clean out the ears with a cotton swab, style my hair, and put on the little bit of eye makeup I wear to work each day. I choose a scented oil to apply from my vast collection because I like smelling different each day. Last, I brush my teeth.

One morning last week when the paper was late, I inadvertently washed my face and body before I washed my hair. Then I brushed my teeth before I styled my hair. By this example it is easy to see how the newspaper being late can create havoc on the rest of the morning routine.

Work
My workday is varied. I have several different tasks I perform for the company where I work. Sometimes I come to work and there is not a whole lot for me to do. When that happens I either play solitaire or I write. Sometimes there is a lot for me to do and I can neither play solitaire nor write. I work from 9am to 5:30pm. I go home for lunch everyday from 1pm to 1:45pm. My husband makes the lunch. Sometimes when I am very busy I do not get to go home for lunch. This disrupts my daily routine, but I can usually manage. Once I was unable to get away for lunch on a day when the newspaper was late. That night the dinner I cooked wasn’t very good. This is another example of what happens when the newspaper is late. The food might be bland and unappetizing.

Why It Is Important That The Newspaper Comes On Time
I hear people complain about bias in the media. I don’t care about that. I rarely believe anything I read anyhow except the arrest reports, the Daily Answer Line, (You know, were people write in and ask questions like “Why is the month of October called October?” and the answer is “Information found on the internet states that October is named after the Latin Oct, meaning eight. October is the eighth month of the calender year.”) and most of the letters to Dear Abby. I also like the Opinion page, though I seldom agree with what anyone writes.

It is important that the newspaper come on time because in addition to the daily routine, without the newspaper I cannot tell what day it is. Our daily news is structured so we have certain columnists on certain days. Obviously it is easy to tell when it is Sunday, because the paper is thicker, has lots of ad inserts and color comics. I know I don’t have to go to work that day.

The Monday news features Georgie Ann Geyer on the Opinion page. She used to be a conservative but now she is more liberal. Sometimes when her column might be a wee bit controversial the editors will substitute a local guest columnist to fill the space with a column on local interest. There are a lot of arrest reports on Monday. On Monday I have a shower, and I go to work.

Tuesday has Michelle Malkin. I don’t like her opinions very much. The Tuesday newspaper is often boring. There is no shower on Michelle Malkin day.

Wednesday features a local writer Tad Trueblood who is a veteran foreign affairs writer. He likes President Bush a lot and thinks he has made the right decisions about US foreign policy especially when it comes to the war in Iraq. It’s good he writes on Wednesday because that is shower day, and sometimes I can skip the last column of what he writes because it makes so little sense to me. Then at the end of the shower I have an extra two or three minutes to turn the water on very hot and just stand there.

Thursday is Liberal Day. Sometimes we get Ellen Goodman. Sometimes when Ellen Goodman’s column might be a wee bit controversial, the editors will decide to substitute a local guest columnist to fill the space with a column on local interest. When it’s a local guest columnist I know it is either Thursday or Monday. If there are a lot of arrest reports, then it’s Monday and shower day. If there are not so many arrest reports then it is Thursday and no shower.

Friday is Thomas Sewell. Sometimes he just writes a bunch of random paragraphs that don’t tie into one another and he calls it something like Random Thoughts. Also on Friday we get the “Where It’s At” insert. It is for those who are interested in going out and doing something over the weekend. Thomas Sewell means shower, and work.

Saturday the paper is slim. The entire opinion section is devoted to “The Vent”, where people can write in and express an opinion without signing their names. It is pretty funny what people will complain about when they don’t have to sign their names. Lots of times it is about traffic. The Vent equals no shower and no work.

Once I called the newspaper after 10am to complain about the paper being late so frequently these days. I tried to explain to the lady who answered the phone about my morning routine, and showers and work, and why it was important that the newspaper must always be in my driveway no later than 7am, but that weekends they had a little more leeway because sometimes I would sleep a little later if I remembered I had read Thomas Sewell or the Vent the day before when I first woke up and I knew I could sleep a little longer, and about washing my hair out of order and bad dinners, but then she put me on hold for the longest time and after a while I just hung up.