Uncle Doofus Returns!

Well folks, It’s once again time for me to take a little R&R, so as before, Uncle Doofus will be here to answer your technical questions. ‘You’ve got questions? Uncle Doofus has the answers!’

Q: Uncle Doofus, I’m a seventeen year old female, and I want to buy my first computer. My boyfriend is really hot, and I always do everything he says. He says I should get a regular PC, with windows. He says that Macs are like, you know, stupid, and no one uses them. But my math teacher says I should get a Mac. My math teacher is really hot too, but I still hate math. My math teacher says that Macs have something called ‘younicks’(sic). I don’t know what younicks is. Could you explain to me what younicks is, and why my math teacher thinks it’s like, so important? Is it something you can do with hot guys?

A: I think you’re reaching a little too high for the moment. Before you spend a lot of dad’s money on any computer, you might want to learn some other basic skills. How about a nice coloring book, and some lovely crayons? I’m sure your boyfriend won’t object to this at all.

Q: Uncle Doofus, I’m new to this whole Mac thing, having come over from Sun. Someone told me I should run something called ‘permissions repair’ once in awhile. I’ve been a serious Unix user for years, and this is the first I have heard of anything like this! Permissions are not to be tampered with, ever! They should not have to be repaired, and I resent anyone telling me I should change my permission settings in any way! I was told to check it out at Apple’s support site, but I’m much too smart for that! Why, I’ve forgotten more about Unix than Apple will ever know! It should be me who decides what permissions get set, not Apple computer. What’s the deal here?

A: First, I am so glad we have such intelligent, well-educated people like you on our side. Permissions repair is an insidious tool, designed to alter your permissions, fudge up your security systems, and to snoop on you. Don’t use it. It’s sneaky though, so be careful. I heard that permissions repair can sometimes run by itself, in the middle of the night, while you’re sleeping, when your system is turned off. You should make it a habit to get up in the middle of the night, turn on the light, and yell ‘AH-HA!!’ as loud as you can. Then, while your wife or significant other is staring at you wide-eyed, point at your Mac and yell ‘See!? See!? I got ‘˜em this time’. She’ll understand. You can probably catch that dirty little permissions repair utility using this method. Remember, they’re out to get you, and no one should be telling smart people like you what to do.

Q: I’m sick of doing so much work in the morning, Uncle Doofus. Is there a way by which I can rig up an application and 802.11b wireless router to my Mac, so that it operates the toaster, microwave oven, and coffee maker, so that I can just walk out to my kitchen to a nicely prepared breakfast?

A: You bet there is! Send me a little more information, and I’ll fix you up with the person asking the first question at the top of this blog. If you’re hot, she’ll do anything you say. Sadly, I doubt she will interface to a wireless router, but maybe you should give it whirl. You have nothing to lose by trying.

Q: Uncle Doofus, I’m running a dual-processor G4, quicksilver model. I’m very, very happy with OS 9. Everyone keeps telling me I should move up to OS X, but I’m so scared I just can’t do it! It looks so scary, I’ll never live through it. At night, I wake up in sweat, just thinking about it. I can’t use a command line, I’d be so frightened, I’d wet my pants. What should I do?

A: Uh, how did you manage to learn the old Mac OS? I mean, at one point, you knew nothing about that either, right? Somehow, you learned it. So, head to the local drug store, and get a few pairs of adult diapers. Put on a set, get a duly licensed copy of OS X, and get started. In your case, I guess some valium would not be a bad idea.

Q: I’ve had it with Macs, Uncle Doofus! I just bought a new Mac, but I’m taking it right back! Why? I just found out you can’t turn off virtual memory! I’m boiling mad! The very idea! Apple should be ashamed. Any time I bought a mac myself, or sat down at one on the job, the first thing I would do would be to turn off virtual memory. Now, with this new OS of theirs, I find out you can’t turn it off! The alpha geeks tell me that this OS Ten (sic) manages virtual memory just fine, but I am old school, and I demand to be able to turn it off! What do you think??

A: I think you need to do several things. First, lay off the Caffeine. No more sugar either. You’re generating more heat than a nuclear reactor, and it’s not a pretty sight. Ok? Now, for the sake of humanity, please, please, please get off that high horse about that worn out argument on virtual memory! OS X is a modern system, and yeah, it handles virtual memory very nicely. Open your mind. Let go of your anger. Use the force,,,, And quit being such a Goddam idiot.

Q: Uncle Doofus, the cup holder on my computer just broke off for the third time! Why don’t they make the cup holders stronger?

A: Ooh, hanging out at the ‘Computer help desk urban legends’ boards are we? Come on, we all know that the CD tray is not a cup holder, and you know it too. And don’t try to tell me that the mouse is a foot pedal, or you tried to fax by holding a paper up to your monitor, or that you can’t find the ‘any’ key. It’s not nice to fool your Uncle Doofus. While you’ve been reading this, my special worm has been deleting your system folder. What do you think of that?

Well folks, that’s about all the questions your ol’ Uncle Doofus can answer right now. But keep those well thought-out, intelligent questions coming. You never know what you might learn.