The Maltese Cube (Chapter 1)

A brief history of the “Maltese Cube” story.

This was originally written by me in twelve chapters spread out over four issues in the Washington Apple Pi’s (THE Washington DC Apple user group) every other month Journal. I started it in early 2001 and finished it by January of 2002. If you live in the DC area, consider joining this group. They have great benefits and are some of the most knowledgable Mac people I have ever met. They can be contacted at http://www.wap.org .

I play fast and loose with Apple history and some of the players. Please don’t email me with obscure mistakes I make as it will do nothing to enhance the story and frankly I don’t care enough to fix it. It’s meant to be fun and that’s what I’m sticking to.

There was a large gap between some of the chapters after the events of 911. Because I work for the Government, it was difficult to find time to write it since I work in the security field and as you can imagine, I was very busy at the time.

I revisited the story recently and asked Tim if I could reprint it either as a feature or in blog form. Tim suggested doing it this way. I broke up some of the longer chapters and added some new material to actually, I don’t know, try to find a way to have the story make some sense. I also got rid of some of the more cringe-like elements I originally had. I had at one point a reference to Steve Jobs in a befuddled state asking Steve WOZ to keep the Cube safe. (Cringe) See? I told you. It’s now up to twenty-two chapters, each is roughly one to two pages long and is nearly cringe-free.

My plan is to post one or two chapters a day, Monday through Friday, which means this will take about a month to completely post. I hope you enjoy but even if you don’t, I will STILL post it. Heh heh.

This story is dedicated to my good friend Jeff Simpson, who lost his life when the towers fell in New York.

The Maltese Cube (A Mystery)
By Guy B. Serle

Chapter 1
The Beginning

It was a dark and stormy night. Well, it was dark anyway. My name is Tosh, Mac N. Tosh (1). I’m a private investigator, a shamus. I’m the kind of guy people go to when the law can’t or won’t help them. I find the answers to questions that haven’t been asked yet. Someday I hope to learn to wait for the question so I get paid for my work.

I had been asked by my client, a Mr. M. Bell (2), to investigate the seemingly unnatural loyalty some people had for certain personal computers. I asked for more information. Bell hemmed and hawed and said something about having to go look at security flaws in a newly released operating system cryptically known as XP (3).

‘No,’ I said. ‘You haven’t told me about these PCs and the people who owned them. I need more to go on.’

He laughed nervously and admitted that he really didn’t know much about them. Just that he thought the name of the cult (his words) was Apple, and that their leader was known in some circles as the Black Mock-Turtleneck (4). He gave me my retainer (in cash) and was on his way. Stopping at out the door, he also asked to keep an eye out for a trinket.

‘A trinket? What kind of trinket?’ I asked.

‘Oh, nothing really.’ He said. ‘Just a little item known as the Maltese Cube (5).’

I was intrigued to say the least and decided to send my best detective out on the trail.

I called my secretary, Umax Seeseries (6)(a four year relationship). She had once been beautiful, but had been abandoned by her family after a falling out between her mother and father. Eager and loyal, but she had lost some of the zip she once had. She checked her menu and called Sherlock (7) for me.

‘Sherlock old friend! I need you to look up some reference material. Find out anything you can about a group of people interested in’¦.(I checked my notes) Apple.’ I said.

‘Can do!’ he exclaimed eagerly ‘Anything else?’

‘Yeah.’ I said ‘Also look up any references to something called the Maltese Cube.’ Silence greeted those words. An uncomfortable pause not unlike a kid confronted with a dish of chocolate chip ice cream covered in beet sauce ensued.

‘Are you sure you want to follow this to the bitter end boss?’ He said quietly ‘That name has been bouncing around town a lot lately. From what I hear, some of the others that have asked about this were never seen again.’

‘I’ve been hired to do a job Sherlock, and I can’t stop now.’ I said.

A deep sighed sounded across the phone.
‘Alright boss.’ He said ‘Just wanted to let you know what you’re in for. This may be tricky. Do you mind if I bring in some outside help?’

‘Who were you thinking of calling in?’ I asked.

‘Just a couple of Yahoos I know of. Lycos and Jeeves for starters.’ He said.

‘Jeeves!’ I laughed ‘I heard you can ask him anything (8).’

I hung up the telephone and settled into my well-worn leather chair to wait for the results of my inquiries.

Notes for Chapter 1

(1) Mac N. Tosh ‘“ A not so clever way to insert our favorite computer name into the story

(2) M. Bell ‘“ Referring to a certain unnamed CEO of a large unnamed PC manufacturer.

(3) XP ‘“ Microsoft’s next generation Operating system. To go along with their other next generation operating systems (NT, 2000, ME, 98, 98SE, etc). I assume they believe eventually they’ll get it right.

(4) Black Mock-Turtleneck ‘“ A reference to our favorite iCEO, Steve Jobs who only seems to wear black turtleneck shirts to public outings

(5) Maltese Cube ‘“ Referring to the title of this story, which is a blatant rip-off of the Maltese Falcon, a movie well worth going out of your way to see. The Cube of course refers to the Apple Cube, which had been canceled during the course of writing this story

(6) Umax Seeseries ‘“ A somewhat obscure reference to the clone days. UMAX (A maker of many fine computer peripherals for the Mac and PC markets) had a license to design and build Macintosh clones. There were three main models to choose from. The C series were 603 processor based desk and mini-tower models, the J series were 604 based desktops, and the S series which were 604 (and briefly G3) based full sized towers. I had a G3 upgraded C600 which has served me well for a number of years. The two other main Clone makers (PowerComputing and Motorola) got more press, but I think UMAX had a better design. The mention of the falling out between mother (UMAX) and father (Apple), has to do with Apple’s refusal to further license the Mac OS to the clone makers.

(7) Sherlock ‘“ Most Mac user’s favorite Internet search utility.

(8) Yahoo, Lycos, Jeeves ‘“ Internet search engines. They all have one thing in common. Annoying commercials. Yahoo doesn’t make me yahoo, Lycos needs that dog muzzled, and I wouldn’t ask Jeeves for the time of day.