Roger’s Really Righteous Residential Recommendations (Revised)

Yeah, it’s true. A guy can indeed come up with some really righteous recommendations about living in a dwelling and doing some cool stuff to keep it all decent and livable.

I am more or less a shut-in, seeing I’m home most of the time. Living in the desert can do that to you, for no matter how beautiful all of these wide open spaces are, a man naturally seeks solace in ballgames, CSI and Stargate SG-1. OK, so maybe a few History Channel episodes and an occasional music video on the Country channel, too.

But living alone all day, having the house to yourself really doesn’t mean it’s all to yourself, and you can just vegetate in front of the computer and the tv, and do nothing else.

Please don’t tell anyone, especially my friends, but I have even been driven to do some, ah, (how to say this?) . . . ‘housework’ . . .

NOW you see why it’s important that no one knows. I could lose my standing in the MENS guild!

But, being a former engineer and industrial designer, I could not help noticing that certain things around the house require attention from time to time, say once a month or something.

So you see, I wasn’t trying to be perverted or anything, by thinking about house chores or cleaning. I just could not help notice after a while that the trash can had been full for a very long time, and that I could no longer find the sink in the kitchen. Nor was it as easy to navigate the hallway or the two other rooms of the house I use on a regular basis.

(Has this ever happened to any of you guys?)

Therefore, being the brilliant and innovative engineer that I am, I came up with some most excellent and righteous ways to remove all that clutter and ickky stuff from my domain (besides moving to a new dwelling).

ROGER’S REALLY RIGHTEOUS RESIDENTIAL RECOMMENDATIONS

I do this, not only at great personal risk, but in a sincere desire to help my fellow man who also must live in a dwelling.

Don’t worry, it won’t require that you learn to use any of those mysterious fluids and powders under the sink!

For the clutter, I found that a rented industrial strength leaf blower will work to rid your place of all the dust bunnies, clutter, and foreign objects found on the floor or on the shelves of your home.

Be sure to open all the doors and windows first, and remove the screens from the doors and windows too (I learned about the screens from trial and error).

Also, it’s helpful if you do not do this late at night, or when it is rainy outside. Also, be sure, first of all to put any papers or CDs away that you wish to keep – and tie down your Mac!

To start, begin at the front door and proceed to the back door. You may have to do this last part several times for each of the rooms you wish to clear out. If there is a room that is alreay relatively clean, because you never go in tbere, then by all means, leave the door to that room closed while you do your housecleaning chore.

Also, be sure to cover the ceilings and the walls with your blowing machine’s nozzel, and don’t just concentrate on the floor (why this helps, I don’t know, but it sounds like a good thing to do).

Now, as for wet or sticky spots on your carpets, none of this will help you here. If its a small spot, after you are done cleaning, drop an 8×11 piece of white paper on the sticky spot, and it will look like it was casually dropped there by accident. Just remember not to then pick it up again. For bigger spots, you may need to casually drop a whole, unread newspaper on it. Remember that eventually someone will have to pay a contractor to pull up all that bad old carpet anyway. Next time, put down tile. Its much easier to clean.

I find that putting on a large pair of headphones and playing a bit of BON JOVI while cleaning, almost makes it fun. At least it’s not a painful chore anymore. Besides, think of all the money you will save not having to hire a cleaning service – or fumigating service, or calling your local Hazardous Waste Disposal team.

BTW, if you open your cupboards and your refigerator while you do this, you will complete several other chores at the same time.

As for those things in the kitchen sink … I have found that once it was all removed, (that HAZMAT team) and the former dishes were gone from the cupboards, the use of disposable paper and plasticware really improves your living conditions. Now the kitchen is always clean – or at least it now sort of looks uncluttered anyway.

Afterwards I noticed an odd thing. You will find, after you have thoroughly cleaned your house, that you will have to hire someone to clean your back yard. I have not quite figured this one out, but I sense there may be some connection here. Perhaps it is the just retribution from the powers-that-be upon any man who attempts to circumvent his rightful role in his own dwelling, by perfoming a cleaning chore – I dunno.

Now as most of you men have wives that work, (like mine does) it is understandable that you would also wish her to cook and clean your house too. After all, we have so much more important and urgent things to take care of each day, even if some of us are house-bound and disabled.

I found it strange that although my wife knows full well about my disability and its effect on my health, it has not prevented her from expecting that I do a few chores around here. Go figure.

However her recommendation is NOT the reason I was forced to discover this rapid and effectual way of cleaning our house. That was just a flash of intellectual brilliance.

Also, when you clean the refrigerator while cleaning the rest of the house, you will notice that there is not a lot left in there. Amazing! Now I am happy to say that I have left it that way. The fridge is good for storing beer and milk, but all those ancient little containers and jars are all gone. I know this will sorely disappoint some archaeologist in the future, when he or she is excavating our house and appliances, but, hey – now it’s clean(ed out).

In fact, now when I get all those little condiment packs with my takeout, once we are done eating, I through all the unused ones away with the empty boxes. This has helped no end to rid our fridge of clutter too. Although, I admit to a bit of guilt here. It seems so wrong to throw something away that could still be good to eat a decade from now.

Lastly, I want to impart another wonderful discovery! I found it quite by accident. It has to do with those @#&%$#&!! trash bags!

You know what I mean. You are a guy, and you really HATE to touch one of those bags, especially when they are still in their little box. Why? Its impossible for anyone to open them! You take one out of the box, that is, if you can separate one of them from their brothers. Then, you unfold it until its completely as big as it will get.

Then you must get a magnifying glass and determing which end is capable of opening, and which end is eternally sealed shut.

Then you spend about an hour trying to coax the open end to open. Believe me! This is a horrendous chore for any man! And especially since any woman can somehow, miraculously encourage it to open immediately.

Think of it. A grown man, well built and muscular, being beat in battle with a 1.5 mill plastic bag!

My secret? Once you find the true opening, lick your thumb, and only your thumb – not your finger too. (This may require a bit of practice before you can learn to do this.)

Once your thumb is properly wet with the tiniest bit of liquid hydrogen-oxide (water or spit), then hold the top of the plastic bag and gently rub the top of it between your thumb and forefinger (on the hand where you wet your thumb).

Magic! It opens effortlessly!

This is worth calling all your buds to come over and watch you do this. My, how they will be impressed!

Of course, if they notice your clean house, whatever you do, DO NOT tell them how it got that way. You will likely never see them again, if you do.

Regards for now,
Roger Born