More Bad TV shows yet!

Well folks, it’s January. You know what that means: Time for networks to dump those shows which just aren’t pulling “the desired demographic”, and replace them with shows that they believe will sell more plastic, over-priced junk at the mall. Let me just say that I am glad as heck to be well into my forties. That means that they are not targeting me.

Thus, once again, I try my hand at writing TV shows that I know will appeal to “that desired demographic”

The Trophy Wife. Twenty beautiful women, aged eighteen to thirty five. One very hot, studly bachelor, with soap opera looks and an executive job with one of the world’s leading technology companies. In the opening salvo, our stud pulls up to the beauties on his Harley Davidson Road King, while wearing his skin tight jeans and a leather vest, with no shirt. His biceps and chest just ripple with muscle. (Ooohhh!) Let the fun and mystery begin. Each week, our stud makes these ladies do stuff you will not believe, all to prove that they deserve to be his trophy wife, and to be rewarded with the life of an executive’s wife, in a suburban, gated community. The Stunts range from reading poetry to a group of randy Boy Scouts on a camp out, (while wearing a micro-mini skirt.) to working a shift at Jiffy Lube on a sweltering summer day (While wearing very short shorts, and practically non-existent bikini top, and working with a bunch of very large, manly, hairy guys). In one segment, all the contestants must work together as a team, in an inner-city soup kitchen. At the end of each episode, one contestant will get a ‘rejection letter’, and be escorted from the set. But in the end, one will become,,,,The Trophy Wife! But here’s the big surprise: unknown to our selection of beauties, our executive stud isn’t a corporate technology executive at all! Nope, he’s an ex-con, who did time for securities fraud and bigamy. He doesn’t have two nickels to rub together! He works as a crew member at McDonald’s, and he lives in a tenement apartment in Bronx, New York, with his drinking buddies from high school, and a bunch of rats they keep as pets. Isn’t that funny!?? Of course, whoever gets to be the trophy wife doesn’t get this information, until after the legally binding wedding ceremony! Oh yeah, our lawyers and producers came up with a pre-nuptial agreement that is unbreakable! Fun for the entire family.

The Gang Bangers. Ten young, very tough thugs, all members of well known street gangs from L.A., are sentenced to jail time for doing what they always do: Committing armed robbery, selling drugs, and beating and terrorizing anyone who gets in their way. But surprise! As an option to jail time, they are given the option of serving their time doing community service! They all jump at this opportunity, but there is something we didn’t tell them: They will do their community service in the town of Jackman, Maine! Known as one of New England’s coldest communities, Jackman has been known to hit fifty below zero in Winter, with a screaming wind that can freeze exposed skin in seconds. Believe us, gang activity will be the last thing on the minds of our little troublemakers when they step out of the bus, into the dark, frigid Maine night in January! Of course they’ll be fitted with ankle bracelets, not that there is anywhere to run. Sorry, no ‘turf’ here. Nothing but thick woods for miles around. As for those hand signs gang members like to make, well, they’ll be lucky if their fingers don’t get frost bite when they try. Watch what happens when they have to spend the day stacking cord wood, shoveling five feet of snow, and doing other hard chores, just to survive the bone-numbing cold. And culture shock? These tough guys won’t know what hit them. This town is pretty much locked down tight after 6 PM, with not a living soul on the street. Some will make it, but a few of the ‘losers’ will be screaming to be taken back to L.A. county jail. See if you can spot who will be the losers, and who will be the winners.

New Girl in the Office: It’s every guy’s fantasy to work with an incredibly beautiful woman, like the ones they see on TV. We decided to make it happen, if only for two weeks. We send our gorgeous babes, in their minis, low cut tops, and high heels right into an office full of typical, all-american guys. There’s just one catch: Our ‘new girls in the office’ are professional actors, playing the part of total idiots. They’re unable to perform even the simplest of tasks. The copy machine? Heck, these bubble-heads can’t even figure out the stapler! (All acting, of course) This goes on for two weeks, then, after the guys have made total fools of themselves and literally done their jobs for them, the truth is announced. Now, we know what some of you may be thinking: ‘That is sexist, and it’s stereotyping!’ You wish! So, just to put everyone on equal terms, this show will air right before,,,,

New Guy in the Office: Okay ladies, we sent out the casting call, and got our best George Clooney, Antonio Banderas, and Brad Pitt Look-a-likes to be the new office stud, complete with tight pants and shirts. But, it’s the same deal, these guys are actors, playing the part of total air heads who cannot do any actual work. Instead, they rely on their good looks to get their work done for them. If any of them tries to make coffee, call the fire department! Set up a computer? Forget it. How long will the women go out of their way to cover up for their new, handsome catch? How will they react when the truth is revealed? Laughs aplenty.

Chain Restaurant Roulette with Joe Rogan. Each week, we offer to pay a typical American one thousand dollars cash, if he / she will eat at three chain restaurants which ‘have had problems’. If they eat at the restaurants and don’t contract some food-borne illness, they win, simple as that. In this age of lord-knows-what in the burgers, Hepatitis outbreaks, condoms in the soup, food handlers who have never seen toilet facilities, and deep-fried chicken heads, will anything deter people from eating in these bacteria palaces? We doubt it, but tune in, and catch our hidden cameras in the kitchens of these joints. For fun, we’ve also placed a few cameras in the bathrooms, opposite the hand-washing sinks. You’ll be able to cast your bet by telephone as to which employees will wash their hands after going to the can. (Fifty cents per call, you must be 18.)

Drive Ya Nuts! Each week, we take a single, all-american bachelor, and put him in the one situation what no single guy ever, ever, wants to be in: That’s right, stuck somewhere with a bunch of screaming, misbehaved, loud kids! And they do the things that all kids today do: throw tantrums, scream, screech, yell, yell louder, throw toys, throw more toys, break toys, and throw tantrums. (Did we mention that already?) Sometimes, we might place our contestant in a ‘Chuck-E-Cheese’. Other times, it might be one of those indoor playgrounds. All each contestant has to do, is survive four hours of this mayhem, without pressing the ‘panic button’ we placed high on a wall, out of reach of the little dears. That’s it, four hours without hitting the big red button. Simple? You’ll be amazed at the ones who don’t make it. Those who survive will be rewarded with a ten thousand dollar cash prize, and a shot at the series finale grand prize: If they can survive a transatlantic flight with a plane full of the worst kiddies we can find, they win a million dollars. (Note: We have not yet cast the part of the host for this new, innovative game show, but we’re looking for someone with a snooty British accent.)

The Goths Next Door: You’re a typical suburbanite. living the all-american suburban dream. You’ve got a McMansion, two expensive SUV’s, a gorgeous wife, and a very cute 20-something mistress. (Hey, we won’t tell. It’s one of your privileges as an executive.) Your kids go to private school, and you keep getting promotions at your company, for no reason at all. (except that the CEO has the hots for your wife.) Yep, life is good. But, who just moved into that McMansion next door? Why, it’s an entire family of Goths! Yep, seems the Goth movement has spread from teenaged girls, to their brothers, to their parents, and even grandparents! Ha-Ha-Ha! Wait until you get a load of Grandma, in her white makeup, black wig, and chains! Then there’s Mom Goth, in her white makeup, black leather mini, and fishnet stockings. (Not to mention her black fingernails, which are at least three inches long.) And dad? What is that he drives? No, it could not be a,,,, ‘˜59 Cadillac Hearse? And he leaves it parked right out front, for the entire neighborhood to see? And just wait until you see what the Goth family has for statues in the front yard. Ahhhh! Heh, heh. Unknown to our suburban family, these ‘Goths’, aren’t goths at all, they’re actors! They didn’t buy the house, we did! But just watch as our hidden cameras catch the look on suburban dad’s face when daddy goth tells him ‘Oh, I didn’t need a mortgage, I just paid cash.’ It gets better when he tells our suburban prince that ‘My kids are going to attend the same private school as yours. We have a court order, which allows them to dress any way they like there’. As for mommy suburbanite, it’s two whole years of therapy down the drain. Better break out the Vallium mommy! Ha-Ha-Ha. In the climax of the show, Mr suburbanite’s kids come home dressed as,,, you guessed it, Goths! And they don’t want those Harvard scholarships any more. Nope, they just want to go to Harvard Square and ‘hang’. Yep, seems our little soccer heros are now proud members of Goth Society. What will dad to? Faint? have a heart attack? Have a glass of white wine? Heck, maybe his head will just explode. Tune in and find out!

Meet the Smithees: Meet Mike Smithee. (Played by Tom Arnold.) Ex-marine, machinist, part-time mall security guard. A real American, he knows the constitution by heart. (at least, the parts he likes) His heros are George W. Bush, Rush Limbaugh, and the late Curtis Lemay. Now, meet Janet Smithee. (Played by Lindsay Wagner) She prefers to be called ‘sunshine’. She’s a social worker, and devotes her spare time to volunteering at the PBS station. Her heros are Hillary, George McGovern, and Ted Kennedy. Now, many years ago, Mike and Janet were married. But today, they are happily divorced. Uh, make that ‘almost happily’. You see, they live in a two family house in Cambridge, Massachusetts. In the divorce, Mike just could not swing the alimony and find a place to live, due to the high housing costs in the Bay State. So, the judge gave them both the house, with Mike in one apartment, and Janet in the other, along with the two Smithee children, Justin and Hannah. Well, hilarity ensues on every episode, because everyone has secrets they try to keep. Janet is having an on-going affair with the UPS guy, (John DeLancie in a recurring role.) while Hannah is a Lesbian. Whew, don’t let dad find out about that! Justin is majoring in film making, and hopes to work for Michael Moore, but they told dad he was majoring in accounting. Ha, Ha, Ha! But Mike has his own secrets. Seems Mike has been getting awfully friendly with one of the young ladies at the chinese place at the Mall food court. Uh-Oh! Can’t let the guys at the shop find out about that one. Each week, everyone comes sooooo close to finding out each others secrets, but they just never put it together. Co-stars Roseanne Barr as ‘Doris, the whacky neighbor’, who’s really a 60’s radical that has been on the run for thirty years! Lots of laughs with our new kind of family for the new century!