LOTR, burst bladder and four hours I’ll never get back

Read no further if thy does not wish to learn plot spoilers

Pawned the kid off on the wife, called Todd and headed to see LOTR ROTK. Maybe my expectations were too high, maybe the movie theater was too crowded or maybe the popcorn was too salty, in any event I wished I had done something else. Preferably something involving beer and firecrackers.

It wasn’t a horrible movie, it was perfectly serviceable. It was long and long where it wasn’t necessary. What’s with the stupid Smeagol flashback? Are they setting up the release of his catalogue (oh wait that’s Speigel)? Wasted film in my opinion, particularly when one notes the scouring of the shire wasn’t included.

Plus I thought the army of the dead pretty much both sucked and swallowed. With ghosts like that I would’ve expected Eddie Murphy to lead the charge. And where was the sense of dread when the boats rolled up? The idea with that whole passage is that the denizens of minas tirith think, for a time anyway, that the boats seal their doom. Then they see the banner and hope is renewed. In the movie the coolness is lost, the boats show up, Strider jumps out and Haunted Mansion ensues.

The battle scenes were very good but instead of feeling like the war raged for days (like the movie) you had the feeling they had been going at it for twenty or thirty minutes.

Then there was the final scene, all fifty of them. Aragorn is crowned, whew I think, movie is over, bladder prepare for release. Wait…No! Back we go to hobbit town, Frodo finishes the book. Bladder you’re definitely in the clear, prepare to squirt. Wait…NOOOO! One last ship sailing into never never land, bilbo wearing more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker. Boat leaves. Bladder let’s excrete. Wait…NOOOOOOO! Sam back at his house (soft popping sound as bladder bursts)

In wrestling that kinda stuff is called a false finish. You know the drill: Heel hits devastating move. Announcer screams “OHMYGOD a double atomic evenflo knee drop, it’s over” Ref counts: ONE… TWO..shoulder pops up.

So I rate this movie less than I expected. My breakdown (contrary to everyone else’s)
Fellowship: as good as the book
Two Towers: Very Good but not as good as the book
Return of the King: Wish I would’ve seen Bubba Ho Tep
But I’m not a good judge of big movies. For example I thought Titanic blew Chunks (and Chunks is my dog) but I seem to like the underveiwed movies (28 Days Later)