Headed to Naples…FL

Chris,
The election is in the proverbial bag barring some supreme court hijinks, and I have serious men working on that issue. I think we can easily count on the support of Thomas and Scalia, the employed have photographs of them in positions that not even the most twisted pro photoshopper could imagine. The rest of the court should fall easily enough, though there may be one or two clean enough to slip through the net.

Once enthroned legally sworn in it is imperative to make a massive impression. People love action simpkins, winning action where blobs of luminous green light are dispatched from on high by laser guided bombs. Call out the matte black angels of doom, that’s the stuff people live to watch. Stunning success would go a far way to ensure the inevitable dynastycontinued success of the gonzo party. Yes Jimmy, I know you were fond of the party of darkness moniker but someone in my position has to make the hard choices. Ah, damn that tangent! It’s difficult to truly focus at this time, the secret service has not yet arrived so I am forced into providing my own security. At all times I have a 50,000 volt taser in arms reach. Any non lethal attack will result in the electronic equivalent of a swarm of very angry ants, instantly triggering every muscle in the attackers body resulting in a large, convulsing, helpless fool. I’ve been practicing on trees and my aim is perfect up to the maximum range of eighteen feet. More severe threats will be dealt with accordingly. The dogs are hungry for a meal but I am wagering that all threats can be dealt with in a non lethal maneer.

Our first large action must be just that, a tangible thing people can get behind, not some rebate check or paper law. This is the age of instant gratification, the internet. This is why we must protect the Guinness breweries from falling into the hands of terrorists. We’ll send in our full S.E.A.L. compliment and secure the perimeter. Later that SAME DAY I’ll fly in on a harrier jet and inspect the premises. To PROVE to the world that we beat the terrorists to the punch I will voluntarily drink the untainted beer.

To feed the internet grist mill we’ll install party loyalists armed with Canon GL2s a week before the action. This is why the operation must remanin a SECRET ladkins, our people must completely control the information flowing out of the brewery. Once the brewery is secure we will stockpile a month’s worth of production for extensive testing at camp david. IMMEDIATELY after the booty weapons of mass inebriation are secure I’ll order the boys home. A quick victory and exit will be a perfect fit for the collective attention span of our country.