Geezer Test, 2.0!

Last January, I came up with my “totally uncertified Geezer Test”. That piece seemed to be quite popular with readers. So, I got to thinking, “what part of American culture sticks in a persons mind the most? What do people remember from their youth? What would make for another ‘Geezer Test’ that people would enjoy? Is it Music? Yes, but that subject is touchy. Publicly stating that you don’t think the Beatles were that great is only good for starting a flame war. (And don’t even get me started on that pathetic ‘Apple Corps.’ Vs. ‘Apple Computer’ nonsense. You! Yes you, over there in England: It’s over, understand? Jeesh!) Movies? OK, lots of people have favorite movies from their youth which they cherish. I’m proud to say that on a spring day in 1977, I was one of the first to see this new movie at the old Charles Cinema, which used to be on Cambridge Street in downtown Boston. The movie was called ‘Star Wars’. I still have my ‘May the Force be With You’ button. The buttons were laying on a table outside the auditorium exit for patrons to pick up. (No, it’s not for sale. Numerous people have asked over the years. )

I’m sure every male who, as a teenager, paid a few bucks to see all the “Billy Jack” movies back in the 70’s are totally embarrassed when that subject comes up in lunch table conversation today. Then again, maybe not. I fondly remember seeing a double feature of ‘Beyond The Door’, and ‘The Incredible Melting Man’ one time with a bunch of friends, and let me tell you, it was one of the best times I’ve ever had at the movies. Just think, ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’. Yeah, like that. But no, movies won’t do it for this test.

Then it hit me: TV Commercials! Come on, everyone has a favorite, aside from Apple’s “1984” ad. And some will being back memories, good and bad. So here is another “Totally uncertified Geezer test: TV Commercials.” for your personal enjoyment. A true geezer, or someone on the road to Geezer City, will be able to answer all of these correctly. Ready? You may begin…

1. Who was the spokesperson for Alberto VO5 shampoo, circa 1976?
A. Pamela Franklin.
B. Farah Fawcett.
C. Rula Lenska.
D. Tommy Smothers.

Complete the two Jingles below.

2. “Fanta Flavor Tastes so Good, that…”
A. It will rot your teeth right out of your head.
B. It will make your see double.
C. It’s Fun to be Thirsty.
D. You’ll Drink it ’till you pee your pants.

3. “Hi Yi-Yi-Yi,,,,”
A. I am cornholio.
B. I ate too much taco sauce.
C. I am the Frito Bandito.
D. I am Locutus.

4. Who were the “Good Guys in The White Hats”?
A. Your trusted friends at McDonalds.
B. Your Friends at Child World Toys.
C. The Dodge Boys.
D. Porno film producers, the Mitchell Brothers.

5. What mens’ grooming product was packaged with instructions on self defense? (not really, but it was a cool gimmick for TV ads.)
A. Aqua Velva.
B. British Sterling.
C. Hi Karate.
D. Brut.

6. What product cleaned ‘like a white tornado’, and had ads which featured a housewife flying around the neighborhood, apron and all?
A. Spic-and-Span.
B. Mr. Clean.
C. Ajax.
D. Mop-and-Glo.

7. Who always mysteriously appeared, dressed like a spy, and usually flying in some sort of bizarre flying machine, when a housewife didn’t keep her leftovers fresh? (Big time no-no!)
A. Ronald McDonald.
B. Yosemite Sam.
C. The Man From Glad.
D. Moe Howard.

8. What happened when the tourist was asked if he wanted ‘a nice Hawaiian punch?’
A. He got served a glass of delicious punch.
B. He got a bucket of punch thrown at him by Moe Howard.
C. He got punched so hard by the little guy, he fell over.
D. He drank a glass of punch, then puked. ( He should have, if he drank that swill.)

9. What was one of the worst things in the world for any suburban housewife to discover. circa 1968?
A. That everyone on the block looked and dressed just like her.
B. That her hubby was wearing her underwear.
C. That her husband’s shirts had ‘ring around the collar’.
D. That her son had found dad’s stash of Playboy magazines.

10. Josephine the Plumber never did any actual plumbing work at all. What did she do?
A. Model lingerie.
B. Sell Tupperware.
C. Show the housewife how Comet could get all those stains out of the sink.
D. Told the housewife what her husband ‘really liked’.
11. What clothing item made the wearer ‘run faster and jump higher’?
A. A Batman ring.
B. A Red Ryder cowboy hat.
C. P.F. Flyers.
D. A Rat Fink ring.

Complete the jingles below:

12. ‘I’d like to buy the world a Coke,,,,’
A. And watch its teeth disappear.
B. Cause I own stock in Coca Cola.
C. And keep it company.
D. And beat them all to the bathroom.

13. ‘Sooner or later,,,,’
A. You’ll switch to Microsoft.
B. You’ll go to McDonalds.
C. You’ll own Generals.
D. You’ll go nuts.

14. ‘Drink Barrel Head Root Beer,,,,,’
A. And Burp.
B. Just before going on a long drive with dad.
C. And don’t spare the ice.
D. And spill it on mom’s new rug.

15. ‘Come Alive! You’re,,,,,’
A. Dead Jim!
B. Wearing Brut.
C. In the Pepsi Generation.
D. Eating Chex!

16. ‘Feelin’ Groovy,,,,’
A. I’m wearing Brut.
B. I only had one cavity.
C. Just had my Cheerios!
D. I just read my first Playboy.

Well, How did you do? No scoring really. If you hadn’t figured it out, the correct answer for all of them is ‘C’. So, are you on the road to geezer city? Hey it’s ok, lots of us are. The reading glasses and big bowls of fiber are ready, as well as prune juice, and nice comfy easy chairs. (Good for nice long naps.) You know, I always wondered about that ‘Feelin’ Groovy’ Cheerios ad. Think they’d get away with that today?

Have a better one.