Ask Uncle Doofus Anything!

Well folks, between this winter and the Bugs Bunny thing, I’m so upset that I just have to check myself into therapy to discuss my feelings. But not to worry, my Uncle Doofus is here and ready to answer your questions. This time, he’s taking questions about anything. Go ahead, ask! Remember, Uncle Doofus says ‘there are no dumb questions, only dumb answers’.

Q: Uncle Doofus, I just downloaded the coolest piece of shareware! It lets me remove those stupid DRM tags from songs I get from the iTunes Music store! This is so cool! Now I can play my songs on any computer I want, and give them to all my friends. I am so excited. Do you think there’s anything wrong with this?

A: Nah, nothing wrong at all. I’m sure the folks at Apple won’t be bothered a bit. I mean really, how much work could it possibly have been, convincing the music industry that this was the way to go, and that the concept of the iTMS would be a great thing for everyone? And I’m sure the artists and performers don’t mind a bit, having their music essentially stolen, all because of some nitwit who thinks he’s being cool by coming up with this. Heck, I don’t mind myself, and I’m sure no other honest, rule-abiding customers of the iTMS mind either. Thanks a lot, jackass. (Note to all: Don’t steal music!)

Q: When I’m driving on the road, I keep seeing these yellow ribbon thingies stuck on the backs of lots of the other cars. Some are yellow, and some are red, white, and blue. Something is written on these ribbon stickers, but I can never seem to spot what they say. Uncle Doofus, what do these say?

A: They’re really magnetic, not stickers at all. It’s very simple: The yellow ones read ‘Can’t drive’. The red-white-blue ones read ‘Can’t Park’. The latter is very common on SUV’s.

Q: Uncle Doofus, I’m the single mother of a fourteen year old girl. I try to be as understanding as possible, but I just got her cell phone bill and there are dozens of phone calls to her boyfriend’s cell phone, all placed in the middle of the night, between 2AM and 4 AM! Is this the latest fad among teens, or what?

A: Hmm, well I imagine your little pride and joy will have some joyous things to say when she finds that you’ve intercepted her phone bill and read it. Get ready to learn some new words, mom. But I’ll tell you what you should do, seeing as how you’re already a snoop: tip-toe down to your daughter’s room some night, and listen. When you hear her on the phone, go back to your room. Call her phone number from your own phone. I’m sure she has call-waiting, as all teenaged girls do. When she answers (thinking it’s one of her friends, or another boyfriend), just say ‘Gotcha’, in your authoritative mother voice. Then whatever happens, happens.

Q: Uncle Doofus, I made myself some toast this morning, and I could swear I can see Bill Gates’ face in the toast! Should I call the news media?

A: Are you for real? Give that toast a good smear with the peanut butter of your choice, and chow down! Or, use grape jelly to give Bill a beard, and Bozo hair, then chow down. Or, do something obscene with the toast, and write a letter to Penthouse magazine, describing what you did. It’s all up to you.

Q: Uncle Doofus, my girlfriend is an engineer, and she wears skirts that are up to her butt to work. She told me that ‘all the women dress this way at my company’. I stopped by her office one day, and sure enough, that’s the way they were all dressed. I’m worried that some hot-shot executive who makes more money than me will make a move on her. What should I do?

A: Hey, if they’ve got the legs for it, why not? It can only help morale, keep turnover low, and it might even create an entirely new paradigm. Meanwhile, what company is this? I’d like a job there.

Q: Uncle Doofus, I just got a new Dell PC, with Windows XP Professional installed. How can I keep it secure, so I don’t get hacked, or pick up viruses, spyware, or adware?

A: There is only one scientifically proven method that is guaranteed to keep Windows from driving you nuts with the aforementioned hacks: Don’t ever turn the computer on. Follow this simple rule, and you should be fine.

Q: I just got into trouble on the job, Uncle Doofus. I had a Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar on the wall in my cubicle. This morning, it was removed, and I found a note from my boss in its place. Now I’ve been reprimanded, and I have to attend sensitivity awareness training. Should I just take this lying down?

A: Well, you might want to think about looking for another job, but in the meantime, give this a whirl: Put up another calendar, but make it one of those calendars that features pictures of military weapons. Since it’s after the first of the year, you should be able to find one at half price from any of those shopping mall calendar shops. I’m guessing no one in your workplace will have any kind of problem with this type of calendar. Funny culture we have isn’t it? Photographs of beautiful women cause a problem, but photographs of weapons of death and destruction don’t cause a problem at all.

Well folks, that’s about all Ol’ Uncle Doofus has time for today. But remember, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it do the Antler Dance.