Apple Users Get Laid, Windows Users Don’t
I, using my super psychic powers, know what you’re thinking. You’re looking at the title thinking it’s a way to get cheap hits to this column in some sort of shameless personal promotion plan. You’re wrong. Apple users copulate with more frequency than PC types and I have evidence to back it up! First let’s get to the other great things about Mac Users. According to recent reports Mac users are smarter, better educated and earn more cabbage than their PC counterparts. Let me take this moment to apologize to all the Mac folks out there. It turns out the Mac users would have fared even better if I hadn’t pulled the average down. Back to the topic: Revealed here for the first time is one more star one the shoulder of the Mac Generals: Mac users don’t have as many problems hooking up as Windows users. It’s a fact (and I’m not talking about firewire).
How do I know this? Via massive media research of course. I don’t have the resources or time to do this research myself but I did do some ancillary polling. I called up three of my PC using friends and, posing as a computer system pollster, I asked the following questions:
What brand of computer do you own?
What operating system do you use?
Getting any? I mean not counting porn sites?
I received answers to the first two questions but the third question went unanswered. So I am relying completely on the media research conducted by the Athena Institute. You see I get a free subscription to PC user Magazine and nestled in the back of the mag next to Xenon rack mount solutions and some cool looking memory solution called X-MeM there is an ad for Athena pheromone 10x. Apparently you add this product to your after shave or cologne and women go crazy. I know women go crazy because the ad also has some testimonials. It is my belief that Athena studied the market in depth, realized that PC folks weren’t getting any, and then carefully targeted their ad. I don’t recall seeing any ad like this in the last Mac magazine I thumbed through (I think it was a 1998 MacUser). So, owing to my faith in the fine folks at the Athena marketing department, I am left with one conclusion: PC guys aren’t having much fun after work.
At this point it would be easy, all too easy, too launch into a bunch jokes and gags about the blue screen of death keeping all the PC users at work while the Mac guys are running around having a big time. But that’s not the reason for the sexual disparity between Macs and PC’s. Apparently the chasm between the frequent copulation of Mac users and the relatively rare bedroom antics of PC guys lies firmly in the category of repeat business.
This time I rely on the laser beam marketing of The Sinclair Intimacy Institute. If I ever get an invitation to join the Cato institute I am going to see if I can get into SII first. Personal wishes aside the drill appears to be as follows: Get the pheromone. Use said sex miracle to first meet a breathing female. Once you have met the female you can use the “Advanced Sex Techniques” gleaned from the SSI video. This results in repeat business, so to speak. The implication is, of course, that if a PC user just uses the pheromone women will realize their inability and not fall for a pleasing scent a second time. I, of course, can tell you how to really please a woman in the bedroom. I will even offer this secret knowledge for free to my PC brethren. Try making the bed, sure a wad of blankets and sheets of doesn’t bother most guys but girls like to know you’re thinking of them. I hear the complaints already (again relying on super psychic powers). Hey, there are plenty of PC using females out there, what are they doing! Apparently walking around with very low self-esteem and a poor body image. With a mere turn of the page in PC User Magazine I find the Wellquest Bust Size Increaser. In short, you PC users need to get busy (pronounced BIZZEEE).
Disclaimer: Send all irate mail to email@example.com. The author realizes and understands that these ads are the equivalent of the x-ray specs found in the back of comic books.