It never ceases to amaze me how odd people can be, concerning the most intimate subject on earth. You know immediately what I am referring to, don’t you?

We have a small group of men and women, scattered around the globe, who somehow over the course of a few years have grown close to one another on line. This is our GANG. We are at ease with each other, and we like to talk about most any subject. I am very proud of these people, for they are foremost critical thinkers, and/or renown writers or artists in their own right, whose words on any subject are most valuable and well reasoned. I am proud to call them my friends.

The time came along where THE subject came up. Really, we were discussing the morality, or its lack thereof, concerning virtual sex, or the strange things people do with their computers. That is what started it all.

First, we had to define what it meant to be unfaithful, and the terms adultery and fornication. After all, we couldn’t use Bill Clinton’s definition, right? One of our group came up with a really clarifying definition! Wowser! I was convicted by that!

The first thing Marty said was that unfaithfulness was getting sexual pleasure from anyone other than your mate, by physical contact. This set the debate, because some thought this was a bit strong, and others thought it not strong enough. I mean, Slick Willy told us that as long as a man did not have intercourse with a woman, it wasn’t sex, remember?

Someone else brought up the idea that physical contact was not required for sexual intimacy with another person. Our debate widened to cover pornography, phone sex, and email affairs. We also talked about adult bookstores, HBO, and other fringe things people involve themselves in that might be construed as being unfaithful. Basically what we came to a consensus on was that whatever your mate decided was being unfaithful defined it for you.

(Erm, you have talked to him/her about these things, right?)

We had a good thread going. We all were learning a lot from each other. Then we got busted.

Most of us in our group are married, and a few of those usually have their mates in on these talks. However, several of us did not include our mates in these discussions for one reason or another, and this precipitated something unprecedented in our little think tank. We all got spammed by the wife one of the new guys. He is an excellent writer and had much to say that was a good contribution to the discussion. He was properly embarrassed and apologetic about what his wife did! Yet another spouse of one of our group members removed the whole thread from her husband’s computer, and that without permission or comment.

This broached a whole other discussion about the morality of such goings-on by a person’s mate, and the ethics of reading your spouse’s mail, but that is a different discussion for another time.

So how do YOU feel about the world’s most intimate topic?

I guess I can understand a wife’s position in dealing with such emails. It is a basic defense mechanism that demands that she cleanse and defend the home and hearth from anything evil, or anything that even appears to be such. This might seem extreme to most people, but she is likely to shoot first and ask questions later, if you know what I mean. There was no harm done by what she did, but it was really funny to watch all that, and everyone’s reaction to it.

The funny thing was, these spouses didn’t read our emails. They just saw their titles, “Virtual Sex,” Phone Sex,” etc. The contents of these emails were innocuous and mild to the extreme. No dirty words, and nothing to cause someone to be aroused. It was morality we were talking about, after all. (What do you know, we ARE just a bunch of eggheads!)

Some of the conversation between these couples went like this: “Why did you delete my emails?” “They were dirty.” “No they weren’t! We were talking about the morality of Internet sex.” “Why were you even talking about that subject? Shame on you! Talk about something else!” (End of discussion.)

You get the idea, right? This is the kind of conversation you might have with your own mate. Curious how it is that we can talk about this subject with our friends a lot better than we can ever talk about it with our mates.


Oh yeah! Look at the title of this article again. The whole point about talking about this touchy subject is that you don’t want to be caught talking about it. Your mother, or your boss, or even your mate might see it and not understand.

(You know you will always be seen as guilty here, even before you can prove your innocence, as if ever you could!)

Therefore, we suggest you talk about Groceries instead. (Yes, we are going undercover here.)

Besides, I am not the first one to think about this connection between sex and food.

“Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick of love.– As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.– He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.- – I went down into the garden of nuts to see the fruits of the valley, and to see whether the vine flourished and the pomegranates budded.– Thy stature is like to a swaying palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.” Song of Solomon

Being faithful to your mate can be mentioned by the phrase, “Groceries at Home.”

If you are unmarried and shopping around for intimacy, you are “Grocery Shopping.”

If you see someone you know coming out of an Adult Bookstore, you can use the code word, “Shopped at 7-11.”

If he was seen picking up a hooker, he was having “Fast Food.”

If you are a guy who likes to get off on dirty HBO movies, you get your “Groceries on TV.”

If you have a problem and you think you are addicted to pornography on the web, you can use the unassuming phrase, “Grocery Shopping On Line.”

If you have the same problem with phone sex, you can say instead, “Groceries by Phone.”

(This code system gives the term “Bringing Home the Bacon” a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?)

See, by some judicious code words placed in the title of your emails, you no longer have to fear the passing eyes of your mom, your spouse, your kids, or your boss when you are talking to a good friend on line about all the ins and outs of cyber sex.

So, do you have groceries? Do you like to eat?

I know. Some people are Vegetarians. They are quite happy to do without. Not all of us are like that.

What about Kosher food? Yes, we all want Kosher. We all want the best we can get. We all want the most pure, and highest quality food we can find, right?

Instead what most of us get is Pot Luck.

So, lets talk about what men and women like to eat.

What do women want? Oh, such a story is this. Romance, knights in shining armor, someone to sweep them away, and to sit and listen to their thoughts. I see magic lands, horses, wonderful old houses with porches going all around, shady knolls with big picturesque trees, romantic moonlit nights with candles and fireplaces. Clean places, where nothing can distract. Perhaps in the background somewhere distant you might hear a deep manly voice softly exclaim, “I can’t believe its not butter!”

To a woman, the place where you eat is more important than what you eat.

A wise man understands his mate. He knows she needs little notes, a flower, or small trinkets for special occasions, which, when given make the occasion special. She needs paying attention to, and she needs to be listened to. Somehow, in all of the busy things of life, what she wants more than anything is to feel cherished by her Hero. All it might take is fixing that broken “whatever” so that it is not nagging her in the back of her mind. Such things help free her to be romantic.

He might just be an ordinary working guy, coming home to put his feet up and relax after a hard, grinding day. If he is wise, he will first see what it is that she needs, even though she will never tell him. She honestly wants her man to figure it out. These things might not always lead to intimacy, but his chances are greater for that if he honestly tries to pay attention to her wants and needs.

Wives are funny this way. Somehow she knows that he would lay down his life for her if that were required. She knows this about the man she loves, but, still, it is the small things she looks for.

What do men want? Ah, if you women could see what we were thinking, you would never quit slapping us! Let me explain.

A man’s mind is much more elemental, or simplistic than a woman’s, if you will.

A man’s crude existence is defined by basic needs: Work, Food, Sleep. Women exist in the world of a man’s mind like comets. They come sailing around the corner, heavenly bodies that they are, carooming off of our psyche, blinding us with their presence.

You see, to us, all women are beautiful. All women are desirable. All women are irresistible. This is how we see the world. Surprised? No wonder we walk through life with our minds seemingly stuck on sex. It is all around us, and we are inundated with all the possibilities, and this happens even to those of us who are happily married.

Yes, if we are married, the mate we have is the ONE we have chosen above all others. She is worth more to us than life itself to us. However, even that truth does not protect us from comets.

Watch what happens. When we walk proudly down the street with our Woman on our arm, here come those bright comets. Miss Shalomar is walking by, with her poodle, wearing THAT dress. Our minds slip a cog momentarily.

Oh yeah, our eyes look straight ahead, if we are smart. If our wife asks if we noticed that girl who just passed us, we lie. We always lie. They all are like beautiful comets, you see, who could not notice them?

A good man, with a good heart, will never cheat on his wife. He would never get on that comet and ride it, just for the thrill of it, no matter how fantastically the opportunity might suddenly present itself. Believe me, he has already imagined every conceivable possibility as to how that might happen, but he will not act on it.

A good man would never cheat, regardless of his desire to do so, and in spite of all the opportunities surrounding him. You see, to a good man, honor, and keeping your word are somehow more important than anything else, and the one he honors first is his wife.

A wise woman will understand this about her man, that the poor guy is always going to be temporarily blinded by those passing comets, but she knows that he has a strong center. She knows that when he married her, he chose never to ride comets again.

Lucky is the woman who has a good man. If she is smart, she will show him trust and honor, for that is the most important thing she can do for him, even if, and especially when, he doesn’t deserve it.

BTW, in case you are wondering, I get my groceries at home, thank you. I don’t shop around, or on line, or by phone, or even in grocery catalogs. It is not that I don’t have an opportunity, you see, for there are plenty of places a guy can always get fast food most any place, including on the street. Yeah, I am just a man, and you know how I think.

No, eating out is not for me. My wife is too good of a cook, and I always go home. I am not being a moralizer here, really, so it is not my place to tell you to be like me.

You guys have to decide what kind of a man you are down deep inside. Nobody can tell you what that is. You just have to know. I mean, your wife probably does already, right?

But you got to admit that I am right about this. On the street, and in all those unseemly places around, there is an awful lot of food poisoning out there, and that can really mess up your life permanently. Better to eat at home.

Oh sure, you could go on line and surf the Web for all that, just to play it safe, and but what a lousy diet that is! It will never replace what you can have with a good woman at home.

If you have a faithful mate (How rare is that?), try to do all you can and with all your might to keep them happy and well fed at home.

Let’s face it, nothing beats home cooking, right?

Thanks for your time!

Be well, (and Behave!)


Roger Born

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