Welcome to the first annual “Macintosh Babble Special Mac Stuff Awards”, the awards that are given out to certain Mac creations that stick out in special ways… and some that don’t. Anyway, you get the picture. Now, if you will be seated, I would like to start…
How do you win an award? Well, it’s almost impossible to get a “Macintosh Babble Special Mac Stuff” award. The process is excruciating and time-consuming. First, you have to pass our in-depth checklist of “Mac-like Coolness”, which few survive. Here’s an exclusive glance at our recently declassified and very intricate checklist for choosing who gets an award:
The first award falls under the category of “Most Useful Piece of Hardware that is Under $300”. And the award goes to… Iomega with the Zip Drive! Yes, this amazing little piece of hardware is indispensable. With a never-ending supply of megabytes, easy back-up, and speedy seek time, this is well worth the price!
Our second award goes to the winner of the category labeled “Product Which Looks Most Likely to Fail Miserably”. And the award goes to… “Incident at Roswell”. Come on, do we really need this software? Like we haven’t seen a gazillion TV movies based on this fallen balloon (it really was a UFO… really). Hey, it even has the alien autopsy! Yum! It’s one of those “Don’t use while you are eating” software programs.
Our next award falls under the category of “Best Way to Install New RAM without Removing All of One’s Clothes”. And the winning technique is… Keep your clothes on.
Gil Amelio himself wins the “Most Heroic Act” award for sitting atop many Apple boxes for the cover of “Fortune” magazine. Hey, that took guts… He could have fallen and gotten a boo-boo.
Next award. This one goes to the winner of the “I Can’t Believe It’s Not RAM” category. The winner is… RAM Doubler 2.0 by a landslide. Well, it didn’t have much competition. Comparing RAM Doubler against RAM Charger, you see a difference. RAM Doubler is amazingly fast, reliable, and easy to use. With RAM prices as low as they are, however, you might be better off getting the real thing.
Next award goes to the winner of the “Best Mail Order Catalog”. The winner is definitely MacConnection. Their prices are wonderful, their service is great, and it’s all made very easy. If you have a problem, you just call them up and they happily fix everything. I know I can rely on them.
On to the next award, which goes to Amazon.com (http://www.amazon.com) for the “Best Business Web Site”. Amazon has unbeatable prices and top-notch service. Amazon is one of the best Web sites on the planet, period.
The winner of the “Busy Signals Galore” category must go to America Online, which currently has over a trillion members and a total of three access numbers for all of them to use. This, of course, has lead to many problems.
In the “Best Snack Food to Eat While in Front of the Mac” category, Goldfish snack crackers rise head and shoulders above other snack foods. The texture is just right, and the cheesy taste is amazingly superb. Feed them to the mouse as well, it likes them. Really. (Editor’s note- We are really gonna have to get Shay out of the house more often!)
Our next category is “Best Small Toy to Place Next to a Macintosh”. Since the Macintosh is so high-tech and futuristic, it would only suit it to have Star Wars figures lined up in front or to the side of the system. Besides, they look really neat.
Next award… Ah, this one goes to the winner of the “Easiest Software to Use” category. The winner here is Claris Home Page, which is about as easy to learn as brushing your teeth. Home Page beats out most other Web page creation tools in all areas. Claris just knows how to make ’em.
Next is our “Coolest Freebie” category. How would you like a free Apple mug? Quit drooling, it’s easier than you think. Just go to the “Why Mac?” Web site and order a couple dozen Apple Static Cling logos. Then, find a cool white mug (preferably with nothing on it) and carefully place the Apple logo on the mug. Press it onto the mug with force… Just don’t bust the mug, slice your hand open, and sue my head off. Finally, fill your new mug with water and throw the thing in the microwave for a few minutes. Voila! You have a brand new Apple mug. It will withstand washing and time in the microwave. Be forewarned, however, this baby won’t last two minutes in a dishwasher.
In the “Most Awkwardly Shaped Hardware” category, Logicode Technology’s Quicktel II-C 33X modem takes the cake. This is one funky piece of technology, and according to Macworld, a fine piece of machinery.
America Online also takes the “He-he-he, We Fooled ’em Again” award. After the colossal flood of members last fall, America Online said they would slow their advertising. Seems, however, that every issue of every magazine on the planet still contains an AOL disk. Good way to slow membership, eh?
Our next category is under “Most Promising Future Software Title”. This one goes to Symantec for their future Norton Utilities 3.5 release. With a great new version of Speed Disk and their promising CrashGuard, it looks to be worth the money. I downloaded the beta versions of these titles, and each one did a wonderful job. I even used Speed Disk without backing up my data… Yeah, I live on the wild side.
The next category on the list is “The Two Most Often Questions Asked by Humanity”. They are 1) “Why is the blue part of the Apple logo so much smaller than the others?”, and 2) “Why on earth did anyone give Bob Saget his own television show?”… Hey, not everything has to be Mac related.
The next award goes under “Why, oh why, do these Exist?” Frames take the prize in this category. Never before have I seen an HTML addition bring so much hell. Even in moderate use they are annoying. Of course, most people don’t know how to use frames moderately, and are obsessed with using frames on every page in every fashion imaginable.
In another award, Ted Landau’s MacFixIt page (http://www.macfixit.com) wins the award for “Best Troubleshooting Web Page”. Ted keeps his page updated at all times, and covers all the bases. The archive and software library are especially useful. Plus, he’s light on the art and has no frames. That’s a thumbs-up from me!
Close behind Ted comes MacCentral (http://www.maccentral.com), who wins the “Greatest Mac Information Page” award. Their page is updated daily and contains news, tips, updates, and columns. It’s one of those bookmark sites.
In our “Guy Who Looks Most Likely to Like Cheese” category, Steve Jobs is our man. Don’t ask me why, but I bet he likes cheese. Just look at the guy… You can tell. (Editors note: Again our apologies for Shay’s cheese fixation!)
Larry Ellison wins the “Most Bizarre Scheme” award. In what MacAddict calls an attempt to turn the Mac into “…a line of dumb terminals”, Ellison plans to takeover Apple with a couple of his stockholding pals. Does he have some screws loose? Will he do it? We shall see…
Finally, we have the “Most Unbelievable Apple Rumor” award. This one goes to the rumor that Apple planned to cut OpenDoc and CyberDog while laying off thousands. Ha-ha, what laughs! Those guys are just too funny.
There you have it, boys and girls. That wraps up this year’s “My Mac Special Mac Stuff Awards.” You will have to join me next year at this time for the next set of awards. Thank you all for joining me today… Will someone please stop Mr. Jobs from dancing on the table?
Shay’s Smashing Sites. . .
1) MacFixIt (http://www.macfixit.com)– As mentioned above, MacFixIt is a wonderful source for Mac tips, tricks, and news. Bookmark it!
2) Applelinks.com (http://www.applelinks.com)– A great site with Mac news and links. Currently, the page has over one thousand Mac-related links. Groovin’!
3) ClassMac (http://members.aol.com/classmac)– My newest Web site! ClassMac is a Mac-only Classified Ad service. With hundreds of ads and thousands of hits, we have the finest ad service for Mac users. We even have two sponsors. Check it out!
Shay Fulton (email@example.com)